I just can’t okay, and this isn’t something I can help / new medication experience.

The new medication that I started is at least helping me get to sleep. I’ve needed that sleep. It’s slowly taking my knee down. I felt the fluid bubble above my knee cap and disperse last night. It’s a very odd feeling, but at least I know it’s working. There’s no way that I’ll be going the Gym as normal for a while though. I’ve started losing weight again (which is most likely due to chucking away the painkillers that I was buying). I know that I’m getting a bit chunky around my stomach area and I do not like it. Those painkillers always used to give me the munchies after taking them. I literally used to stuff myself full of food. This medication has the potential to increase weight gain but I’m sure once I feel like moving around more (when the antidepressant effect builds up) it will drop off. I have a very busy week that I’m not keen on doing. 

I have tried my hardest, but I cannot allow things to be left as they are because it’s still driving me completely mad. It doesn’t matter how much medication I go on, I cannot and will not accept something that is so wrong. I incurred a court cost of £260 when I applied to get the order off before I broke it to ask the other side. That order is having a horrendous mental effect on me. I cannot get anyone to see things from my point of view. I get the answer, well it’s only one person. Aside from the fact that I will always want this other person as a friend (as it was supposed to be eventually), it’s more along the line of principle because it is so wrong the whole situation. I’m the one that had promises broken to them and also then was discriminated against. I should not be the one punished for life.

I’m prepared to not fight the convictions (mainly because I don’t have the money to pay a firm like wrongfully convicted) because I said things in anger that I shouldn’t have done, but this order has to go. The longer it stays on, the harder it’s going to be for both parties to make peace with one another. It takes one application to the court from the other side and they’ll be listened to because of their job etc and the fact that they’re seen as the victim. I’ve paid a load of fines for court costs and victim compensation. I have well and truly paid my dues and it’s not fair to keep things like this. It hurts me every single day. I cannot just ‘move on’ and ‘forget’. If it was the other way around then others couldn’t either. If it’s wrong, then it needs sorting. And, it could be, but others are being stubborn and too worried about losing their job. I’m only asking for fairness. I didn’t deserve what happened. Others wouldn’t listen to prevent everything going the way that it did. I know that the other person won’t want to be friends right now, but removing the order is a start and only they can do this because I tried before contacting them and got charged for the privilege. I’ve been taught my lesson, the job is done now. And there can’t be any more time given to it because it’s driving me mad now. It’s drilled into me that I am the evilest person to live because of the order and the other person’s friends who had a go at me. Time isn’t the same to me as it is to others. A few years feels like decades to me. I need the order taken off for the sake of my mental health. I’ve already attempted suicide and that is something I’d never do unless something was really getting to me. I can’t do anything because I’m legally binded and will get locked up. Everything that happened was a complete accident. It was caused by others not listening and not understanding what it was like to have my disability. Things just cannot stay as they are because they upset me so much knowing that I do not deserve it. I cannot accept what is wrong. And that goes for in any situation. I cannot sit by and accept something that is wrong. The real me is someone who is not nasty or in any way as I was portrayed. I find all the crap that has ever been thrown at me a huge slur on my character. Especially, since in all those cases, as a child of the system, I was reacting to discrimination that I faced.