Lazy day today :( Mainly because I’m ill again.

I thought that I was better and tried to carry on as normal because I had a lot on. However, I think I wasn’t quite right because I was extremely worn out when I woke up this morning. I felt terrible last night. Luckily, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for them to check on my knee (which is still up a bit). I want to go back on antidepressants. I also want to know why I’m so tired. That can be depression, but I know that it isn’t. I feel like this even when I’m in a reasonable mood, when I’m down it’s worse but illness does tend to feel worse when you’re down. I am finding it harder and harder to get out of bed because it’s like a led weight on top of me. I get that tired that I literally feel like crying. It’s a horrible feeling to be that tired.

I can tell that it’s getting colder because the cats keep trying to snuggle up with me. I have Mister snuggling up so close to me that I feel like I’m being pushed into the corner of the sofa. I’ve just been watching the news and there are some horrendous things going on out there. I get upset quite easily because I do not agree with the awful things that go on out there. I don’t know how people can physically viciously attack another person. It’s like they have no ability to feel guilt. I’ve never been a violent person and the messes I have made relating to my disability I beat myself up about so much. The things going on locally on the news are just brutal and completely unnecessary. These people didn’t commit their crimes because they were provoked in any way. They were after the possessions of other people. A poppy seller in the city local to where I live was attacked and they attempted to rob the charity money off of him. I don’t know how you can possibly do that and call yourself a decent human being. Those types deserve to be slung in cells and put into prison. Robbing someone isn’t an accident. That is an intended malicious act. These people know better and do not have any excuses. Unfortunately, these types get away with their crap. I’m honest and upfront about being a f*ck up basically and I get punished for it. I am a decent person. I’ve actually got myself into trouble sticking up for issues I have felt strongly about.

I’ve decided to be the ‘funny one’. They don’t get rejected that often and people enjoy having them around. If I really want the other person that I miss (but am still angry and hurt due to everything, so I still need at least a year but if the restraining order was dropped then I’d let go of it quicker) then I’m going to have to become the type of friend that they would want. And I know that I was on a downer when I met them which didn’t help matters. But, I’m not like the person that they met. I don’t want to be that person. I became that person because I was so damaged after I had experienced the torment of losing my son and being forced back to an area I never wanted to come back to. There’s so much more of me that I never got to show due to lack of confidence and severe anxiety/depression. I do really wish for others forgiveness for my carelessness. I know that I cannot rush that… however, I’m prepared to go down the medication route officially now.

I’m asking the doctors to prescribe me better medication than I have previously been offered. It is a well-known fact that Sertraline (the antidepressants that I was on before) is absolutely awful and ineffective with obsessive-compulsive traits. It has horrible associated side effects too. The one you get when you first start them is feeling too sick to eat anything. I also need something to help me sleep because I just can’t sleep properly at night which is making me exhausted on top of being exhausted. I can’t go on much longer like that because I can’t function. I know that there are other options than zopiclone which is great to help me sleep, but I find it has an impact on my studies by making me unable to process things. I can drive but not think the day after taking those. I know that there are better alternatives to the generic things that they give out. I want to try those alternatives. I’ve never been offered them. I have Asperger Syndrome, but after what things I’ve been through in my life I could have mental health issues. I’ve heard voices when I’ve been extremely stressed. That isn’t a regular thing, but I know that I’m near to breakdown mode when I get to the point where I literally have voices screaming at me in my head. I do have flashbacks of things that have occurred in my life and my awful memories can get triggered by little things like smells, damp and cold environments, a conflict between people, local locations that have a significance to the negative things that have occurred in my life etc.

I get told by others that I must be okay because I’ve avoided an actual breakdown, but maybe my behaviour problems and launching at those I cared about was my breakdown. We all react in different ways. I literally feel my anxiety building inside me. If I feel attacked by any situation when it’s at its full capacity, then I release it by either a screaming and shouting meltdown (in extreme circumstances) or just act stressy with others. I’m not a fan of medication because when I was on a few medications when I was younger, I ballooned to a size 16. I’m already quite stressy about my weight as it is at this moment in time. I’m not that big yet, but weight creeps up and then you’re about three sizes bigger and about 4 stones heavier. I’ve matured and realise that I’m probably going to have to make a decision that being medicated and putting a bit of weight on is a lot better than not being. I may be a little fatter but I will be acceptable to others because they will know I’m more controlled. I will be trusted more because I will seem more predictable and controllable. I won’t lose people I care about because of my OCD traits. This is the main thing that is my goal. The person I lost was someone I really wanted to get to know (as a friend only before people start assuming things that aren’t true). I didn’t get that because my OCD traits kicked off and now there is an indefinite order in place then I’m being forever denied that chance regardless whether I mature and change as I get older. I have calmed down a lot. But I never want that side of me to ever ruin things for me again. I want to be able to have the confidence to show my real personality underneath my quiet and shy top layer. I want to be happy and if finding the right medication is the key to that… then so be it.