I managed to sort myself out and by today I was back to normal. I swear illness does something to my brain because I cannot string a sentence together properly to write this blog entry. I have extreme brain fog but I think that is due to losing so much blood yesterday (not going into any more details). I have anemia when my monthlies get quite severe. It doesn’t only make you feel tired but your brain goes a bit dumb. It’s not like it’s that noticeable with me because I have learning difficulties and can regularly come out with some very dumb stuff.
I am still not confident about passing my Maths exam. I can do the Maths but it’s how they ask the questions which throw me quite a bit at times. I got 66% on my Law GCSE assignment because of some of the wording of the questions. Then they literally want you to explain every single detail to get full marks. However, the things I wrote on my blog the other day I got full marks on that part of it. I’m just making stupid mistakes because I’m new to the subject and haven’t revised yet. I will be revising after I’ve completed the folder. This will fill in my gaps where I’m losing the marks. It’s not too bad yet because February is really the time where you need to make sure you know all the things required for the exams in May and June. I’ve booked my exam where I did it before because I’m picking up my other certificate while I’m over there. It’s a lot more simple for me. It was a hassle finding an exam centre as a private candidate last year for the Biology IGCSE.
It’s a bit far but I have a car and the people that run it seem decent. I was letting my anxiety control my decisions before. I can’t be avoiding things my entire life. It’s hard but I have to stand up and stick up for myself against those that have tried to cause me harm (whether it was intentional or not). I’m just not into socialising though. I’ve never really been into all that in a major way. I like my alone time. I can only do people for a certain amount of time and then I have to get away from them. I don’t want to make anyone feel awful but the things that have happened in the last few years have caused me lasting damage. I cannot trust anyone anymore. I do cry myself to sleep most nights. I used to think that system children/adults should learn to let their guard down and trust others. I tried to lead by example, but now I know exactly why they don’t trust. I’ve been punished for my disability traits so many times. I’ve never met someone who actually understood.
I have found that the worse thing about being within the system is the permanence of decisions which have negative, long-lasting effects on a system child/adults life. Even if someone says to you that one-day things will change… you’ll wait forever because that never occurs. Those changes that you long for never materialise and people just tell you that things will change one day because it’s a way to pacify you and this means you’ll keep quiet, not making a fuss about things you do not accept. I have absolutely no faith whatsoever in human nature that I’ll ever be given something good even if I try to be what others want. This is because others are of the fixed opinion that I don’t deserve anything positive, just punishment for a disability that I was born with. They’re always going to judge me for the times when I was pushed to react in an attacking way because I felt attacked. In my head, I just see all the things that have been said to me and think that others I cared about are always going to think of me as vile scum. It brings me to tears because I know that I’m not like that and I only reacted because I was bullied into a corner by many of those around me and lies were told so that it made me look like I was just like that, not reacting.
I’m not a nasty person. I have to be pushed extremely far to say nasty things and no one normally listens to me until I snap and get into trouble for fighting back. It doesn’t help when you see the other person’s name come up in a Maths question in class today. I try to forget everything that went on and then their name literally pops up in front of me. It’s like the numbers and other strange things that have occurred since I met them. I don’t think that things like their name popping up on things etc will stop happening unless we somehow manage to put things right in the future. I do believe in past life connections and that is the only logical explanation for all the strange occurrences since we met. There is a possibility that we were enemies in a previous life. I did feel fearful around them even before everything happened. I feel things. I don’t always know exactly why I’m feeling certain things around specific people. It was weird because I felt the same fear feeling when one of their ‘friends’ spoke to me online. It’s the fear of familiarity, yet I know that I’ve never met these people in my life before.
I am aware of previous life experiences. I’ve recalled details from events that happened a long time before I was born as they’ve been recorded even before seeing the recorded information. I’ve recalled things as if I was actually there. I may have mentioned this before in passing, but I had a really surreal dream years ago. It felt so real like I had really experienced it. I was in a car that looked like it was a 70s model (it wasn’t anything like the modern cars) on a Motorway. There was a man next to me driving the car and a little girl in the back. We swerved into another lane and crashed. I felt everything like I was really there. I was then standing at the side of the wreckage. It was like I was the woman in the car because at first, I was seeing it from the woman’s view. Then, obviously, I was dead because I saw the wreckage. If I was seeing a past life, it is unusual for a soul to reincarnate so soon. I believe that if this was the case, then I came back so soon because I was searching for something. If the others in the car survived then they’d still be out there somewhere. It may have just been a dream, but, unlike any of my other dreams, it didn’t seem the same. That is why I believe there are things that exist which we do not understand. We aren’t meant to understand it. There is a reason why we aren’t supposed to remember parts of past lives. How can I ignore all the numbers and other things coming up in my face? It’s torturing when I can’t work it out with the other person. I believe that if I did put things to rest with the other person then all the things that keep occurring will stop. I need peace and the strings of information that keep happening are irritating me.