I’m not well :(

I’m not ignoring anyone’s messages on social networks, email or texts. I am genuinely not feeling well. I have replied to a few important things but please let me deal with the rest during the week. I’m too uncomfortable not to get grumpy easily. I have been through several pairs of trousers today. I look awful because I’ve gone pale. I felt extremely sick early this morning and then it things got worse. I’m not going to go into it fully but I’m sure these monthly issues are caused by the stress of things that have happened. I think it’s because I’m having to repress things because of the situation. It’s not a thing I can do without being affected badly. This is what internalised stress and anxiety does to a person… well a female at the very least. I’m sure it affects males differently and maybe my knee filling with fluid is another factor in regards to me repressing something I’m made legally powerless to fix.

That’s what I was saying in my last entry about barely having slept in two years. That takes its toll after even a year and I’m completely amazed at how I’ve already avoided a mental breakdown before now. I don’t know how I have the ability to effectively pick up pieces and just function somehow. I must be a strong person but I do not feel that I am. This could be my body kicking back because it’s not as strong as my mind. I’ve always had a strong mind because I am stubborn and I always have known what I wanted. I also know what I cannot accept long term. It doesn’t matter if I repress everything, it’s obviously coming out in other ways.

Anyway, I really need to rest, I’m off to try to do some revision for my maths exam on Wednesday. I wouldn’t be doing that if it wasn’t so close to the exam I’d be having proper rest. I can’t settle right now. Even if I try to sleep I get woken up by my issues and I have to wake up because if I don’t then it’s going to be a huge mess. I can’t sleep a lot anyway, this just adds to those issues because I have to stay on top of everything when I’m in this state. I don’t want to discuss things in full details but it is starting to have an impact on my life. I can’t go out even to the supermarket when this is at it’s worse. It’s embarrassing and seems to be getting worse. I’m so tired because it is tiring when it’s this bad. I constantly have to be checking myself and even when I am sometimes it just does it so fast that I go through every single pair of trousers I own over a few days. I’ve had to stay home and cancel all my plans because when it’s really bad I can’t even walk down the road without ending up in an embarrassing mess. I have even got to the point where I am tempted to make an appointment with the GP and tell them to give me a hysterectomy because it is that intrusive. I won’t be allowed to have any more kids (regardless of my wishes), so I have no need to go through all this hell for a week every month. I literally have no purpose for it and if a lot of my problems are caused by hormonal disturbances, getting rid of the whole lot would most likely cure a lot of my issues.