I can’t live a lie anymore.

I tried ‘move on’ and build other things but this is not truly what I want. I don’t want to do Psychology. I want to stay with my original plan which was Journalism, Writing etc. I wanted to do it from a young age and I’m sure that if I fill in the gaps of English Language education which I missed at school then my writing can be up to requirement. I love music (like I said the other day I literally learned to speak listening to music) and arty stuff (the colour coordination thing). Psychology is boring compared to that.

The only reason why I wanted to do Psychology was that I’ve seen so many people failed by the system that I wanted to go into it to make it somewhat better. I feel that the life of a Psychology major will cause me extreme frustration because I will have to deal day in day out with people who just don’t understand conditions of the mind. I will have to effectively keep a lid on that frustration and after what I’ve been through that is going to be emotionally torturous for me. I didn’t want to continue with my Journalism career path because I am still really torn up over what happened and I can’t shake that feeling, especially after everything that has occurred. I don’t wish any negative feelings on anyone else involved. I don’t really know what to feel because I know that it wasn’t all my fault but others have attacked me like I was responsible for every single aspect of it. I hold my hands up to not being able to control my OCD but I was put in a stressful situation and it kicks off more when I’m in those kinds of situations. I don’t want to be angry with others, but I still am and unless anything improves (eg. the order is removed and I can go back to the university one day) then that anger will keep me awake at night and very bitter. I got attacked by a load of Journalists that were the other person’s friends via twitter etc which also puts me off that career. I don’t want to be nasty here, but a lot of Journalists aren’t very nice people. There a lot of them who will destroy another in order to gain an opportunity for themselves.

I don’t want colleagues like this and one girl in my university group was definitely like that and she did very well for herself by the time she graduated. I have my suspicions that she may have mentioned something to the other tutors about me and the tutor involved with the situation. She took an instant dislike to me and was a bit funny with the tutor (from what I saw before I was pushed out of university). I wouldn’t have said this before that girl graduated from the university. I don’t like those kinds of tactics and it’s even worse because when you ask someone straight out they just deny it. I feel vibes off of people and a lot of people within the media industry act like the above. That is why I got put off. But, why should I be pushed out? I have as much to offer as they do.

I let myself be pushed out because I was such a weakling and shy. I should have told them face to face where to shove their attitudes at the time they were pushing me out. I was too shy back then. I don’t hold back face to face now though. I’ve even surprised people who have known me for many years as the shy quiet one who won’t stick up for themselves. They’ve witnessed me telling people exactly what I think of their behaviour face to face. I had enough and I’m sick of people looking down on me because I don’t meet their standard. As people know I grew up here and have dealt with a lot of sh*t from others over the years. There are occasions where you come across people that bullied you in the past. I am not an aggressive person but I saw my opportunity to tell one of my former bullies exactly how I felt about the past. I didn’t say it unprovoked, they said something behind my back to a group of their ‘mates’. I turned around and went up to them and just went for it. I told them exactly what I thought of them and their past bullying. The person I was with had to drag me away. It didn’t contain any swear words. I wasn’t abusive, I just wasn’t allowing anyone to say those types of things without being hauled up about it.

I hate bullying and I have allowed others to bully me my entire life. I never bullied, I only retaliated to what others put me through. The order and the whole case against me was a legal form of bullying. I can’t do anything about that yet but in the future, I’m not only going to ask the court to remove that order but ask for all the compensation I’ve had to pay the other person back. I did say that I will no longer take people walking all over me as a vulnerable adult.