How I feel…please don’t judge me.

I don’t wish to appear a sad freak or something but I really can’t go on like this much longer. Things have to get sorted because I can barely sleep. I’m powerless to sort it out. Only others can do that. It is having a major effect on my life due to the lack of sleep. I cannot sleep because I cannot accept things as they are permanently. I am exhausted and things have gone on long enough. I don’t deserve it to stay as it is. I’ve learned my lesson. That’s what people wanted so surely it’s only fair to stop the torture now? I’m suffering so much. I managed to drop off to sleep and then woke up screaming because I’m that traumatised by everything. It’s cruel leaving things the way they are because I can’t move on with those restrictions.

I long to go back to the university and I wanted to fight the exclusion before all this happened but my support told me to walk away. The order only exists because I was pushed really far by both sides. I’m no threat to anyone. But, right now, I’m so tired because I can’t sleep. I haven’t barely slept since the whole situation started. I cannot accept forever being punished because that’s not fair. I have gone through every single detail and know that most things can be reversed. The convictions can’t be but everything else can. The things that can be reversed I desperately need.

It’s not a want, it’s a need because I can’t sleep or function due to everything that has gone on. I am traumatised and the only way I won’t stay traumatised is if people start doing the right thing for me, not for the system. It’s time that others quit being so selfish. It’s not all about them. They’ve never stopped to think the impact their actions have had on my life. I tried to take my own life. I’m not that type of person unless things are really bad. I am not the type of person that would attempt to take their own life. Things don’t have to stay as they are and I can’t stand them staying as they are long term. It’s destroying me and I have no control over that. I wouldn’t have to endure this illness and tiredness any longer if others did the right thing. I’m in desperate need of proper sleep which I haven’t had for over two years.