Well, I’ve started seeing four-number sequences again (not seen any triple numbers today for once). I saw 2020, 2222 and 2323 this evening. I’m hoping that these indicate that things are going to become better for me. It may be that they are going to get worse because I saw these sequences before and during the time I got kicked out of university. The beginning of this year was when the numbers I started seeing became triple numbers. I do look the numbers up, but we all see them for different reasons. There may be a positive reason one person sees them and another person may see them for a negative reason (as if it’s a warning of some kind). I am actually so used to seeing random strange things that it seems normal to me now. I was a bit freaked out when I started noticing these sequences occurring in everyday life. I even expressed to others around me that I thought that I was going completely nuts.
It’s not just the numbers. I’ve always been able to just ‘feel things’ and had dreams that predicted things. Even though you know you’re not ‘crazy’ because if you were then the things you dreamt wouldn’t materialise in waking life, you still are left thinking ‘oh my god, what is going on with me?’. It’s quite hard to actually get some rest if you’re having one of those nights when you get those kinds of dreams. That is what keeps me awake sometimes. I just know things and they frustrate me because despite being aware of things… I still cannot do anything about what may be. I hate having the ability to see and feel things without being able to do anything.
We are living in a world which is increasingly getting quite brutal. I know there are people that see me as a hippy type who despises the modern ways of society and wishes that everyone could just live in peace and harmony with each other. That would be a lot easier for me because I hate conflict with others. I shouldn’t take things personally but if someone gets into any kind of conflict with me I tend to feel attacked. I take their disagreement as a personal attack. I think it’s related to people rejecting me for how my disability traits. I understand that I may actually drive others mad at times with my negative Asperger traits. I totally accept that. On the other hand, feeling rejected for those traits feels quite painful. I always think that I could have had that friend, or that person would have stayed in my life if it weren’t for that part of my disability.
It is also quite difficult to keep friends when you’re having a conversation and you literally come out with something that the other person was thinking. I’m not a ‘mind reader’. It’s part of being able to ‘feel things’. Then there are times when you accidentally read another. I do that more when I’m emotional. It makes people angry because they assume that I’ve been snooping around. I haven’t got any inside information, I literally am repeating what comes into my head. Of course, no one is going to actually believe it when you explain this fact. I am very aware that it is quite hard to believe and for a long time I denied that it was real. I thought something was majorly wrong with me. I had people look into my eyes who were into the spiritual stuff and say that I was gifted. I’d run away and deny it because I was fearful. I’ve only recently started being accepting of it myself. It doesn’t go away by avoiding it. If anything, it gets stronger and more intrusive. The sad thing is that because of my abilities, there is always darkness in me and I have a lot of depth to me because I am like a sponge for energy. I’ve met a lot of quite lost mixed up souls in the humans that have surrounded me growing up. There was a lot of dark negative energy that I accidentally took on and you can do this just by caring about another individual with their personal pain from their experiences. A major example here is my own Mothers anger literally feels like it’s weighing me down when I’m around her.
I’m taking a stand as a vulnerable adult. I’m fed up of people and companies trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity. I don’t always understand, but I’m not stupid. I’m happy independent living on my own. I’ve been far too nice and really need to stick up for myself. I now despise being walked all over and blamed when sh*t hits the fan. I’m not interested in people’s excuses that they’ll assume I’ll buy because I’m a simple person. I’m not taking it anymore. I’ve had enough of people taking from me and giving me nothing back!
I’d like to release a few nuggets of interesting facts about myself tonight. Those that have read the blog for quite a while probably have noticed I have a unique style of writing (I’ve been told this too). Well, as most of you know, I didn’t have much schooling due to circumstances related to my disability. Instead, I learned to write from song lyrics. I listened to songs from a very early age a long time before I started being able to physically string a sentence together as a very young child. I didn’t repeat the adult’s words around me. I repeated words I’d heard in songs I’d heard on the radio in my parent’s car and in other places (borrowed parents tapes and later bought my own CDs as a 9/10-year-old). I also never crawled as a baby. I got up and walked slightly late.