Beginning to change my mind about things…

This is yet another late entry because I’ve been extremely busy today. I had my group to go to and then I had to do my Maths work. I then had my fledglings volunteer feedback work to do. I review the poems, artwork, photography, videography, and music of those with a diagnosis of mental illness on the fledglings forums. I had to spend time on my Maths work more than usual because I have my first exam this time next week. Mister scared me while I was revising earlier. I assumed that he was under the bed asleep. I never expected him to suddenly jump up at the window meowing. I nearly jumped out of my skin! He had gone out before I left for my group this morning and I hadn’t noticed him. I am not sure when he went out but normally he doesn’t like going out during the day. He’s not that type of cat. He prefers to go out at night and sleep during the day. He occasionally follows Dave outside but comes straight back in afterward.

I saw a few amount of numbers today. 777 on my mileage car clock on the way to the group this morning. Then I saw two vehicles up near the supermarket on my way home, one after the other. The chances of seeing two cars with triple numbers on the number plate in succession like that are quite slim. They were 777 (twice today) and 999. I actually have one seen that once ever before and that was two cars going passed mine in the opposite direction with 666 and 777 on their number plates. The last occasion was quite a while ago. I mainly see 777 nowadays. I read that means that you’ve mastered your spiritual side. 999 means endings, you’re done with that and the cycle is complete. I stopped seeing numbers for a few weeks and then they returned… again. However, they came back when I was feeling quite down about things that had happened. They worry me even more though because I fear that they mean something bad is going to happen. I’ve lived a life where fate has constantly gone against me, so I’m always on my guard. Of course, I hope that if I at least try to do the right thing, then I will get something positive back. In hindsight, though this is not how it normally goes. Something spooky happened yesterday. The clocks were changed on Saturday/Sunday morning (UK visitors will know this). I don’t have to manually change the ones on my mobile and laptop. I got in the car on Sunday and the clock obviously was an hour in front because of those changes. I never touched the car’s clock. I then went to the car on Monday and it was the right time. There is no way that the clock would have been able to be automatically changed by an outside source. Somehow it changed itself to the right time. I had to look at it a few times because I just was baffled at how it was the right time and I hadn’t even changed it. 

This next part isn’t meant to sound mean. I am just being honest and I cannot just change the way I feel because others may not like it. I’m changing my mind about everything that has happened. I no longer feel remorse for what has occurred. I feel that I was treated unfairly by the other person. They’re not interested in an apology and just want to make me suffer from having an order on me indefinitely. They made no attempt to even understand my disability traits. If they understood them at all then they would know that punishing someone for them is not only a form of emotional abuse (because it’s caused me distress and had a lasting impact on my life), it is also completely counterproductive. I also didn’t appreciate being spoken about behind my back and practically having my personal issues made fun of within the court case. It was beyond cruel and the other person should be ashamed of themselves. That makes them a bully. I reacted to how I was originally treated and I have beaten myself up over that for a long time. I was made to feel that it was my fault. That I was the evil one because they wanted to make it seem like that. I was severely let down.

Others shouldn’t make promises they cannot keep. I’m made to keep hold of the guilt I feel that has destroyed me and made me depressed because the other person won’t forgive me and at least put a time limit on the restraining order. That order remains on my record for 10 years after it’s discharged and I can kiss any potential career goodbye now. If it was a civil order without a criminal case connected to it then it wouldn’t have appeared on my record at all. All I’ve ever wanted they’ve stolen from me because of what has happened. They could have gone to the relevant authorities at any point and told them that they’d misjudged everything or that I only said those threats in email originally because I was provoked by the way the university handled my case. I think it’s quite heartless that someone keeps on an order because they want to ‘avoid’ settling the issue. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s career but thanks to them I won’t have a career or any employment now. They’ve taken all that away by pursuing a case against me. They don’t even see what they’ve done. I’m not freaking out over nothing. It’s a major impact and it has long-lasting effects or most likely permanent. I won’t ever be the same person for meeting them because I feel emotionally abused beyond repair. I’m not being ridiculous. Others should really try to see how their assumptions impact on another’s life. I have beaten myself up with the guilt I feel for burdening the other person with my disability traits. That’s very hard on my emotions without feeling emotionally abused by the other person because of the whole situation.