Dropping by briefly….

This is a brief quick entry because I have to get up early in the morning. I would have done this earlier but I fell asleep when I got home this evening. I felt better for it until I properly woke up and got a cramp in my leg. I haven’t had one for a long time but it was extremely painful. It’s worse when I get one in your foot. I find that it is quite intense when I get one in my foot. I absolutely hate them. I used to get them a lot. I don’t think I’ve had one for over a year. Anyway, I do hope that they aren’t going to return on a regular basis. I got the jam out of my hair this evening. I was so careful but I still have lost a bit of length on that side. It breaks at a certain length on one side every single time. I put a protein mask on it tonight to repair it. I can’t straighten it again this week. Instead, I had put leave-in conditioner through it because I’m hoping it dries wavy. I have the same issue with my nails. I have one thumbnail that split at the side I’m using a combination of keeping it stuck together with nail glue until it grows out and filing it around to get rid of it without losing the length. I don’t know how it’s done it because literally, it was halfway down the nail. 

I had two baths today. That is unusual for me. I do that when I’m restless and I felt like I wanted to be clean. I probably was clean when I had a bath this morning when I got up because I only had a bath last night. I had to relax before I rang the PIP line. I dislike making phone calls at the best of times. I can’t afford to mess my new benefit claim up through phone anxiety. I’ve sorted it out now anyway and they’re sending me the form. I’ve got help filling out the form but I need to make an appointment after I’ve received the forms. I got an email earlier saying that my Biology IGCSE certificate is at the exam centre ready to collect or post (which will cost me postage). I’ve asked them to store it for now. It’s not like I need it right now because I’ve got other things to pass.

I really don’t want to go over that side of the county right now anyway. I know this sounds lame but I’m still affected too badly by things that have happened. The exam centre doesn’t mind storing it for me until I can go over for it so that works for both of us. I know that I can’t avoid picking it up or I will have to pay the postage (which right now I can’t afford). I didn’t even want to go there to do my exam but had no choice because not many centres on my list did IGCSE exams and that was the nearest. It’s not about the centre (for new readers of the blog) it’s about the fact that this place is near where someone else lives who has hurt me very much by their actions. I don’t want to go over there innocently on my own business and potentially get accused of something else terrible. I’ve been subjected to more than enough at their hands. I wasn’t the one who broke every single promise that I made and then talked negatively about me to their friends behind my back as well as pursuing a case against me that I didn’t deserve. I was failed by everyone and was never the persecutor. I still have to be made to pay for that with an indefinite restraining order on my name for life. This is a total stain on my character. There are no excuses. Others should at least try to understand Aspergers and learning disabilities. I will not put up with anyone being nasty towards me because of things they do not understand. It’s not like I haven’t attempted to teach others. It’s like talking to a brick wall and I’d like to kick it down. Others expect me to understand them and do what they demand, but there is no attempt to see things from my point of view ever.

Maybe I can’t be ‘normal’. I don’t even care about being normal anymore and I couldn’t care less what others think because I know I’ll never be good enough for them. It doesn’t matter to me anymore at 30 years old. I tried to please others and all it did was make me miserable because it was an impossible task. Goal posts get changed all the time and people decide that you don’t meet their standards. I can’t live up to all that.

I have to go now because I need to do some of my maths work I was given today. I kind of said I’d get it done by Wednesday’s lesson. I’ve basically committed myself to it. I have to make sure I’m up tomorrow morning because I cannot miss the group for legal reasons. I don’t want to go to prison and they’ll activate my sentence if I don’t go to it. I just want to be on my own and study for my Law GCSE exam and Maths exams right now. I have no desire to be around people. Others tell me I need to get out, but I know I’m not ready and I cannot force myself. I wouldn’t even be doing my studying if I hadn’t already previously started it before I ended up feeling the way that I do about everything. I hate the thought of getting up every morning. The alarm clock fills me with a feeling of deep depression. I probably will end up getting antidepressants from the GP at some point.

I have to go see them for my knee in a week or so. I can feel my knee coming up again since I went the Gym. I’m going to have to get that injury properly sorted else I won’t ever be able to do the things I used to do. I know that there is an operation that you can have… however, they do not offer it out freely because of cost. There is obviously something catching in my knee producing the build-up of fluid. They only have to shave a bone in the knee or something so that it doesn’t catch and then after my knee is healed it won’t keep coming up like it is right now. I miss being able to do what I used to do without it swelling up. I joined the Gym and can’t use it enough. I went Friday and then my knee came up afterward. And that was only going once last week. I waited until it had gone completely down.