This entry is going to be quite deep because I think a few deeper things need to be said. There are things I don’t normally say, however, I’ve been extremely down about everything the last couple of days. I’m going to reveal a few things that I don’t normally go into because I think that others shouldn’t judge someone without knowing some ‘behind the scenes’ information. I don’t want to go too much into my life. But I want to make it clear about why certain comments hurt me in some respects. It’s been a long day and I’m writing this quite tired so if some of it doesn’t make sense then this may be the reason. I’ve been busy doing college work the whole of the evening. I finished off my law GCSE assignment and did some of my Maths homework. I also got jam in my newly washed and straightened hair which I got really stressy over. I know it’s only small but the stickiness doesn’t properly come out until you wash it again and it’s taken me a long time to get my ends not snapping and trying to get something like that off when it was dry may have caused damage. I only washed it yesterday and can’t wash my hair too much because it dries it out.
I am going to start with the worse bit because they are always the best bits to cover first. Now that the court case is over and things have calmed down I want to make a few things clear. I’m not making a few points to start off any arguments again. I am not trying to get at anyone. I’m trying to state the facts and how things made me feel so that I can attempt to get others to process it and understand in time. I’m not expecting instant overnight results because far too much happened. It’s still affecting me quite badly at the moment. I can’t sleep etc and I’m too anxious to go out a lot because of social anxiety stemming from it. I may have said nasty things to someone else via email. However, I was pushed extremely hard at that time from both the university’s attitude and my support being seemingly unhelpful. I don’t want to play one organisation off against the other here, but it needs to be said. I was well aware of certain things from what I could see with my own eyes that there was a long-running animosity between my support organisation and the main organisation for Autism which worked within the university (I cannot name either for legal reasons). There has been unprofessional behaviour by the manager of the support organisation I used to be under.
I wouldn’t take it further but I would like to make a point here. I don’t want to upset anyone but certain things have to be stated by somebody. I was witness to the manager saying some quite unprofessional things in relation to an ex-staff member that whistle blew on them. The manager was even saying those things in the courtroom next to me when they were supporting me at a hearing stemming from the university situation. It’s not right to say those things and certainly not right to be outrightly conflicting with each other when a client is going through an awful time. They already feel traumatised enough due to what they’ve been through without people trying to ‘score point’s’ against each other. When you work with vulnerable people and it’s their lives that can be impacted by your decisions, then it’s not just a ‘business’.
I have the utmost respect for the manager and the staff of those organisations. I’m not making this point to be disrespectful. In the support field, organisations and people have to work together to make things a success. This never happened at that time. I heard through the grapevine (I refuse to say who from because it may jeopardise their position) that they’re still arguing with the university in regards to others that went there as students. I was told this information at the end of last year. If we really want Autism acceptance etc then we have to learn to work together because if we can’t get on with each other we won’t get society to be accepting.
That leads me onto my next issue quite well. I got attacked via twitter a while back by all the friends of the other person involved in the case. This was started by me blocking one of them that spoke to me on social networking sites. They tried to tell the others that they were ‘just trying to help’. Some of the things that they said to me weren’t pleasant and there is no way he was helping by saying some of those things. I have the conversations saved to prove those things. There were things like asking me if I’d ever worked and then proceeding to tell me that volunteer work doesn’t matter. This made me feel extremely hurt because it’s not like I’ve ever tried to get a job. I’ve just been rejected for every single one I tried to secure. I now don’t even have the qualifications required to get a job because you need a GCSE in English and Maths at c or above (I failed my Maths). I didn’t get them at school through no fault of my own. I managed to get everything but Maths when I went back to do them recently.
In regards to ripping me apart via twitter about the Mother thing. I know that this was discussed among others behind my back because it was part of the prosecution evidence and they actually made fun out of me saying I was weird etc. I’m not weird. It’s natural to want something that you’ve not had the privilege to have in life. It’s not even that I wanted the other person as a Mum anyway. I wanted a best friend. I’ve never had one and I look at others and think if I knew how to maintain friendships then it would be nice. I don’t need a Mum at 30 years old. I’m used to looking after myself. I don’t want to go too much into details of conversations I’ve had with others. But, I just want to make one thing crystal clear. I am NOT a threat to anyone. I’ve read the comments made on various communications to me from those on the outside. I would NEVER hurt another person. Those things I said to start off the case were out of character and I was pushed hard to say those things. It’s not in my nature to hurt another. I couldn’t hurt another even if my life depended on it. I cannot stick up for myself. I never wanted to fight anyone. I hate conflict.
I want to disclose a few things about my life that I’m hoping will help others to understand why I reacted to things the way I have done. I have had to grow up resented by two half sisters that most likely never wanted me to exist. I thought it was going to be bad enough growing up but now I’m an adult and life will change as time goes on, it’s probably set to get worse in that department. I have never got on with my Mother and abused my abilities when I predicted her potential death with the pendulum back in 2014. I wouldn’t recommend that anyone do this because there are some things we shouldn’t ask those things. The death age predicted was 68 and this is what she will be this coming birthday. I disclosed this to her during an argument a few years ago. She has now found some weird growth thing in her mouth and is convinced that I predicted it right. It takes a lot to convince my Mum of these things because she is one of the biggest skeptics around. Each time I’ve predicted something in the past, she’s managed to ‘explain it away’. In a way, I fear that when my Mother goes I will be isolated. I think that maybe in my own way I’ve always been so overzealous trying to form relationships because I was very aware of my potential future from a young age. I saw my Grandma go downhill for 7 years after my Grandad died. She literally couldn’t survive a decade without him because they married quite young. I don’t think my Mother has been out socially much since my Dad passed away 7 years ago.
The thing that worries me quite a lot is being ganged up on because my half sisters are aware that I’ve been left the house. I’m scared that the one who doesn’t speak to Mum is going to decide to take legal action to contest the will or something. The other one says that she will be decent when the time comes, but I don’t trust that they’ll do as they’re promising now. They’re both a lot older than me (they were teenagers when I was born) and that I’ll be severely bullied after my Mothers death. I know that there is going to be some form of conflict because of various aspects. I can’t deal with that. I hate feeling like I’m being got at and I’m going to feel mixed up enough when things do happen because of what type of relationship we had. I don’t need it. But, I fear that yet another prediction is going to come true. I dreamed my Dad’s death two months before it happened. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that something nasty has appeared in my Mothers mouth a month before she gets to 68 years old. She’s yet to go to the doctors so it’s not confirmed that it could lead to anything yet. I’ve been feeling things recently though so maybe I’m picking up something. I did say that this entry was going to be quite a lot deeper and somewhat a bit different from normal. I just wanted to show a side to me that I normally keep hidden behind my weirdness.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 