Still worn out, not in a good mood.

I am feeling quite tired at the moment. That is making me feel fed up and I can’t go for a nap because I’m out at my Mother’s until I can pick my car up from the Garage. I do not know how long I’m going to have to wait for the repairs to be done. I’m going to be broke financially after today. I’m not keen on being here all day. I will be shoving my nose in some of my college work because it actually stops my Mother from going on constantly about so many pointless things. She rang me repeatedly this morning way before it was time to get up. I had my alarm set and could have had an hour more sleep if she hadn’t rung me about 20 times or more! It’s painful enough to wake up at the moment without being woken up like that! I literally don’t remember sleeping until 4 am. I just cannot sleep at night right now. I think about everything that is going on more during the dark hours. I have behaviour problems, sometimes I feel that these are learned behaviours. I just grew up assuming that things were right because that is what surrounded me. The above was just how you’re supposed to get your point across.

I don’t want to make a fuss or upset anybody, but I’m finding the probation group emotionally draining. I am very empathic and can literally feel things from others. We all have our issues and I am the odd one out in regards to the fact that I am not into drugs and would never dream of shoplifting. I am not the type of person that makes a judgment. However, I feel quite let out because I cannot relate to those lifestyles. I try not to be affected by other people’s issues. But, it’s become harder as I’ve got older and when I’m around other people a lot. It makes me tired. I can’t get out of it because if I do refuse to go then the court will activate my suspended sentence. I can’t take prison. One night in the cells and I was having meltdowns.

I nearly got involved in an online argument regarding people being ignorant and judgemental. I was trying to point out from a person who has mental health problems. Al this rejection and judgements are the cause of these problems. The cure is love and friendship. If I had those then my mental health issues would go away. I will not accept the other point of view because I know that these accusations made against those of us are products of another’s perceptions when they’re being neurotic due to previous experiences. Our brains are effectively a machine and will programme prejudice ideas due to negative experiences. I feel personally attacked in these disagreements because of how I’ve been treated. I feel like I’m working as part of a collective to stop these unhelpful attitudes fuelling our mental health crisis. Maybe I have cracked due to all the crap that’s been thrown at me. My suffering hasn’t been for nothing if I can remodel how others think towards those that act outside social norms. I feel that if I fail to do this… then indirectly I will have to keep suffering the same judgements and accusations. I refuse to argue. I dissect everything enough to truly separate the issues and state it. I won’t get into a slanging match about it because it ends up unsettling me and being autistic this can literally ruin my day. It makes me feel wrong and just wound up. Fact is this… we have a huge mental health problem because of how things changed from the 90s when Blair’s labour tried to turn this into a communist country. The legislation is still in force and no one is reviewing it but instead adding to it. I know that people don’t like my opinions. I do not care because most of those hating my views are those that are somewhat privileged around here. Money and status leads to a f everyone else’s needs attitude. And it’s not all about mental health teams. They can’t give people love and truly care about others on a personal level. And that is the key to combating mental health problems.