Keeping a brave face against everything others don’t understand.

I am posting this because of things that have been coming up in conversations with friends recently. I don’t want to be defensive here… however I need to say something before comments start having a huge affect on me. I’m attempting to move on with things but most of it is just a brave face type tactic to mask how I feel until such a time as I can truly let go of how hurt I still feel over things. I’d like to think that one day things can be fixed, and I have to hold onto that hope in order to get through the process of moving on.

Otherwise, it will be tremendously difficult for me due to how my brain works (related to my autism etc). I may be glad it’s all over for now but that isn’t hard to get over compared to the hurt and betrayal I felt from the other person involved. That may never go away. I’m not being over sensitive. I would guarantee that if anyone else had been placed in my position then they’d feel the same. I shouldn’t have carried on the breaking the order to try to get my point across. I didn’t possess the self control back when it had a time limit. It’s even harder to have self control when you’re caught up in emotions and just rolling with them. I was very hurt about being kicked out of university because of them refusing to Support my needs (despite me being open and honest with them because that is the type of person that I am).

That is a forever punishment and that shouldn’t have been when I was open and honest with them because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They knew that my head was a mess because I’d just lost my son to adoption. It shows that I was deeply affected back then because I didn’t even remember half of the things I emailed the other person. The order is also a punishment that goes on forever. I never did those things on purpose, they’re part of my disability traits. I fully accept being punished for a specified time because society doesn’t understand Asperger’s mixed with learning disabilities (it’s like their compromise). But, not even murderers get punished for life. They normally serve half their life sentences or less for good behaviour and then are free again. I can’t go back to where I wanted to study or ever be friends with the other person due to the permanence of decisions that have been made. It’s like living in an open prison and that is frustrating. Frustration is a trigger for my ocd emailing behaviours. This society doesn’t focus on creating solutions, but instead creates more long term problems. It’s not just my ocd that all that kicks off. I cannot sleep and fangs getting me down because I’m exhausted. I don’t see why I should be put on medication to knock me out (hard to get prescription for that now anyway) all because the system is rigid and others aren’t being understanding of my disability issues. Others that have heard things from either side may throw mud at me and throwing out accusations due to their assumptions of  everything that has occurred, however, I swear on my sons life that I reacted to the situation I found myself in. I did not attack anyone because I felt like it. I have been discriminated against much of my life because others don’t understand my disability. I’ve been bullied nearly everywhere I’ve been because I am socially different since a child. I had my son ripped away for adoption on assumptions made about my disability. At the point that I said certain things and went off on one with  ocd emailing, I had been pushed to my limits and the pressure cooker inside of me was so fed up of being effectively walked all over by society.

There is only so much that I could take. And I feel bad for taking it out on the other person but it wasn’t like I weren’t open and honest about what I’d just been through. I was broken then. I’m only just starting to rebuild my life and even that is something which is hard when you’re not sleeping.

I’m far from back to normal and over everything. This isn’t a process that can be rushed. That is why I refuse to discuss what happened. It doesn’t change anything and just keeps my hurt over everything raw. I know that everyone has an opinion, but I do not wish them to express them when I’m feeling fragile over everything. I have been crying over all of it and that is something I don’t do unless I’m hurting quite badly. The thought of things being the way they are permanently is making me feel depressed and upset. I don’t want that but I’m aware that this is what it will be if others don’t come around in time.

I will never get others to understand my disability and it’s like talking to brick walls in a foreign language when you attempt to explain it to someone not on the spectrum. Even those on the spectrum who don’t have learning disabilities alongside it doesn’t get it. I’m dual diagnosed, so it’s hard for people to grasp that I’m not going to be like someone with typical Asperger’s or a person with learning disabilities. I find it hard to be around those with Asperger’s syndrome because a lot of them are intelligent and top of their fields. I am stuck being unable to grasp complex things due to my borderline learning disabilities.

Therefore I feel like I’m in a separate category where I stand to face more potential discrimination and judgements because I’m not like someone else others have known with Asperger’s syndrome. I’ve known others that have been made out to be terrible people because of the misunderstandings of having overlapping conditions. I literally have no nasty streak in me. I never could be intentionally nasty. I don’t have the ability to be vindictive or even lie without cracking and just coming out with the truth. I feel that due to my character. The things that have been laid on me is immensely unjust. I can’t change how society looks at things. I’m a minority, therefore I’m expected to act like them and as I find that difficult… then they feel that in order to get me to conform to social norms, punishing me is the only way. That is like the ABA programme in the USA. It basically negatively reinforces social norms into autistic children. It was mentioned on Chris packham documentary. These kids (like myself) basically have to live in fear of being punished for being themselves. It’s difficult putting on an act everyday of your life knowing that if you be yourself then you’ll continue to lose everyone that you value in some way. That is how I’m living now and for the rest of my life.

And as for someone suggesting that I’m unprepared to take a chance on anyone else. That is not true. I don’t trust anyone after so many let downs in my life. I don’t wish to go out meeting others now. I’m happy on my own. That shouldn’t feel like a reflection on anyone that has said they want to get to know me. It honestly doesn’t appeal to me. I would say no to socialising with anyone right now. I go out nowadays on rare occasions and I feel like I prefer to be at home. It’s nothing personal against anyone else, but it’s where I’d rather be. I’m not concerned about becoming a hermit. I much prefer my own company at home. I may have social anxiety due to everything but it would only bother me if I went out socialising and I have no desire to do that with anyone. I’m just not bothered anymore.