Broken :(

I got to the point today where I literally just canceled everything that I had on. I had the intention to keep everything on. But I can barely sleep at night right now. I woke up this morning with a sore eye because it was running and my nose was runny too. It was like someone had turned on a tap. It was streaming when I woke up. I had only been asleep for a short time before this happened.

I can’t consistently sleep because I wake up every so often. I just couldn’t function today being that tired. It’s literally painful to do anything. It’s sore to keep my eyes open. I had a nap and then went for a walk to chill out. I didn’t feel like a walk, but I made myself go for one. I could have gladly laid in bed all day but that makes me feel lazy. The lack of proper sleep is like being slowly tortured. It’s a horrible feeling to have constantly. It doesn’t help things when I see the universities advert on television in between programmes that I am watching. It just rubs it in to already quite stinging wounds. If I’d have been the way that I was purposefully and got all this done to me then I’d brush it off and think whatever, but I couldn’t help who I was and I was open and honest about that. I then get laid into online during the court case about things I couldn’t help. Those actions and words towards a person permanently cause damage to a person. There is no way that someone can just ‘click their fingers’ and expect someone to get over everything they’ve been subjected to. I retaliated to the things I was put through. The whole thing could have been avoided if others had listened to me from the start. The things that have been done to me are wrong and if I ever make enough money to sue then I will do that. I have been left unable to emotionally function because of all of this so I cannot get on with my life because it’s having a major impact. The record could stop me from ever gaining entry to a career. I don’t think others want to acknowledge just how much they have hurt me in reality. I don’t even want anything from anyone else but for them to acknowledge that. I’m really not the type that would want to sue anyone or any organisation. I just want people to see how hurtful the things they’ve done are to those of us that are different. I never chose to be different. I shouldn’t have to deal with the constant judgments and being punished for those differences. There are absolutely no compromises within society now. Regardless of your needs, you are thrown some form of terms and conditions (only you have to follow because of identified problems) and told you either agree to do them (despite whether you have the ability to or not) or be punished. It is no wonder that everyone seems to be angry at one another now. The ‘support services’ should be telling these types of organisations that they cannot treat the individuals like they can communicate normally and don’t have additional needs.

The personal example of that was when my social worker gave them the go-ahead to say that they should follow their disciplinary procedures. That was basically a green light to say punish her. I know that these instructions come from county hall, they’re failing the vulnerable adults of this area and literally hand them over as convictions targets to the criminal justice system or hospital/care system (it depends on what category they can make money from them in). The mental health team could have said that I was not a danger to anyone. Instead, they do not say what needs stating. I am not a danger to anyone. I just get fed up of how I am treated and could only take so much. 

I am badly affected because I cannot accept certain things as a forever situation. I have no control over how much it’s destroying me. I fight it and get dragged down even more. I can’t pretend that I’m not affected. Everything that has gone on is chipping away at me. I don’t want to let things affect me this badly (that I literally had to cancel a day of commitments to sleep). It’s taken me all day to write this entry. I kept falling asleep. I don’t feel depressed even, just tired. I normally do feel depressed when I’m this tired. And when it comes to thinking in complete sentences. I positively can’t string one together very quickly today. That is why I’ve been working on this entry on and off all day.

It makes you feel worse when you see an old photo of yourself from two years back when you used to have your hair bleached and eyebrows waxed and dyed on a regular basis. I miss my hair like that. And my eyebrows are certainly not as nice now. I am always tempted to go back that colour but it ruins my hair. I went from brown to blonde 3 times throughout my twenties. And not forgetting the odd black dye in between. I most likely won’t be bleaching again in my thirties until I have got enough length in my hair. I colour it with temporary red now. It looks like cherry red at the moment. I’ve mixed a few tones together. I stuck a purple-red colour through as like an ombre effect and then block coloured two deep reds. So, you’ll most likely not find this exact tone in the shop. It’s starting to look a lot less dry and the elasticity is coming back.