I’m now using my new found boundaries to have some me time today. I’m the type of person that normally wakes up and looks at my phone first before starting my day. I didn’t do this morning. I saw that I had notifications on the screen (iPhones automatically seem to bring them up). I decided that I wasn’t going to look at them and have some ‘me time’. I felt a lot more relaxed because I wasn’t looking at a load of information when I first wake up. I had to get up eventually because my cats wanted food and it was nearly lunchtime (it is a Sunday and I have a busy week so the rest was much needed).
Anyway, if I can master these boundaries then I may be able to have a certain person in my life who currently doesn’t want to know me. I’m not demanding that others change their mind for me. I just don’t want things to stay the way they are currently for the foreseeable future. It’s not fair on me because I’m trying so hard. I just never feel like it’s ever good enough for anyone else. I feel absolutely terrible in regards to things that have gone on and I am still hurt by a lot of the things that the other person’s friend’s said to me. They have no idea how some of the things they were rubbing in my face was affecting me. I think the whole situation has caused me enough pain without them having given it all that about me being weird because I was trying to find a Mother figure and accusing me of saying things I hadn’t said in the context that they were stated I’d said it in. I never went out to hurt anyone. But those comments were meant to hurt me. I didn’t choose to have Autism and I tried from the start to get the other person to understand. Despite this, the other person practically attacked me with lots of accusations that I did not deserve because they have no understanding. I don’t think I can get over those hurtful things that were said due to assumptions for a long time. The person met me when I was completely broken just after I had lost my son. It’s cruel to start on someone when they are suffering enough without extra judgments. I had a reason for saying the things that I said because of how I was treated by the university. I never said anything nasty until I was denied support and thrown out of the university. The facts never have come out and that has made me unfairly judged. I didn’t deserve those cruel assumptions. Those continue to play on my mind and upset me a hell of a lot. There are some people that will make a commitment to misunderstanding everything that you may say. I have tried to fit in but there is no way that there is any pleasing the other person unless I somehow disappeared. I just feel like everything that I am, the other person hates passionately. They meant a lot to me, but I meant nothing to them… they didn’t even give a sh*t what they did to me. I didn’t deserve what I was put through. And things didn’t have to ever be the way they became. I’m still really upset okay. I can’t just let go of that pain. Everyone has been brutally honest with each other now both within the case and online in various places. It wasn’t a good thing. There are sometimes when we should just hold back our opinions and feelings because it’s going to cause lasting damage to another person in the situation. I was nearly pushed to suicide because of it. The other person will never know how much pain they’ve inflicted upon me. I just wanted a friend at the time, not to be attacked. I didn’t know any better. I’m still quite young and backward. I’ve never had a serious relationship so I don’t know how to be. It doesn’t mean that I deserve to be put through what I was put through because of it.
I fell asleep listing to music last night. But, it was about half 5 in the morning. Although, it didn’t really matter because I felt like I’d rested because I was very relaxed. I woke up to find Mimi (cat) on her back spread out like me asleep so she was quite chilled too. She may have been able to hear the music because cats hearing is very sensitive. She obviously found it relaxing too. I was crying most of the night while listening to the music. It is mostly related to what I’ve touched on above. It affects me okay. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t to make others feel better about how they’ve treated me.
I’m glad that my knee is better because that was driving me nuts. That knee has never been drained before. I’m wondering if it had something not very healthy in that fluid because I was feeling abnormally tired for a very long time and since that has been taken out, I am starting to feel a bit better. It’s nearly the same size as my other knee now. They’ve never bothered to drain my knee before since I first injured it 8 years ago. I have felt extremely tired and there was no specific explanation for it. I went really hot on Saturday and then that tiredness lifted a bit. I’ve looked quite pale for a while but now that I’ve gone through the hot fever type thing last night I seem to look less pale. I have colour in my face, which I haven’t had for ages. There was me wanting to change GP’s because I thought they were crap, but then you get a doctor that actually does a proper job. The others just gave me anti-inflammatory tablets and never really considered where the fluid in my leg would actually go. That knee has been swollen for a long time. The one I saw was a new doctor. I’m hoping that he stays there because he was actually helpful. I don’t want to be rude to the others but it’s true. I don’t have much faith in the system because of my experiences.
The other day when my lucky charm beaded chain thing broke apart I was getting really stressy thinking oh my god now I’m going to get a ton of bad luck. But then things like that start happening and you start thinking that maybe it broke apart because the good luck was about to begin. I’m not seeing so many repeated numbers now. I was seeing them so many times of the day a few months ago. I know that they meant something. I will know that something is over when I no longer see them on a daily basis.
I apologise if this entry hasn’t made any sense. I am sleepy because it’s 2am and I should be asleep by now.