Firstly, I have no idea how I am still awake enough to type a blog entry. I’m listening to music on youtube while typing this… so it may not always make sense. I have a habit of losing concentration while trying to do two things at once. It has been one hell of a long day because I barely slept last night. I got up after only 3 hours sleep. I had the intention to go for a nap this afternoon but it never happened. This is why. I was in my bedroom and someone knocked on my window (they lived on the block of flats where I live). I couldn’t really pretend that I hadn’t heard them because I looked in that direction. I answered the window. The other person had their power gone off so they needed somewhere to charge their mobile phone. I know them from around the block because I got talking to them about a month ago. I let them in and put their phone on charge for them. Unfortunately, their cable wouldn’t work so they had to go find another one from a friend down the road. Then they came back with the other charger. I left that on there and their phone still wasn’t charging. But then they kept coming back ringing my buzzer and I really had to put a stop to it because I had to go out and really wanted a nap. I apologised and they said that they’d take it to their mates. I let them make a phone call from my mobile phone to tell someone they were meeting them at a certain time, not everyone would let others use their minutes. But, the main thing is that I said no. I still never got the nap that I wanted before I had to go out. I’ve never been able to say no when I have really needed to do so.
I’ve lived on this block about 4 years and only just started conversing with neighbours. I used to be out a lot more than I am now so I didn’t really spend a huge amount of time at home. I only really used to sleep here because I’ve always been that type of person. I’ve never really had somewhere I think of as ‘home’. Home is when you’ve settled and felt like you belong. This is something that I haven’t felt since I was a child and even then I never wanted to be at home. I’ve only spent more time at my rented property in recent times because I’ve been affected badly by everything that has happened. I like to be on my own now. It’s nobodies fault, it’s just how it is. I don’t blame anyone for doing the wrong thing by me because we all see things from a different perspective and sometimes we completely misunderstand each other. I had feelings involved and I shouldn’t have shared them. I was young and inexperienced. I wouldn’t do the same time again if I had that time again. I’m sure that is how many people have learned, through the pain of having their heart broken. I know that I need ‘time out’ right now to repair myself after everything and this is why I haven’t been out so much as I used to be. I will always care about the other person involved even though they hurt me a lot. But, that is what loving others is about in whatever circumstance. Life is too short to waste and this has been demonstrated many times in our lifetime. There’s no point in wasting that time arguing with each other. This will be demonstrated in my debut novel. I cannot say how long it will take to write because it’s one of those things that I can only emotionally dip into in small amounts otherwise it will be too much for me. It’s basically a story revolving around everything I’ve observed in the system growing up but it’s collating together.