I’m tired…. and was nearly blown over several times today!

I can honestly say that it is as windy as they’ve predicted it to be out there. I nearly got blown off of my feet in some places on my walk. However, despite that little annoyance, I am so glad to be able to walk feeling free again. I was starting to limp before the GP released all that fluid from it yesterday. If I’d just have been given tablets like normally then they’d not take effect for a few days and the fluid he drained would still be lingering there continuing to cause me to limp. I had an extremely runny nose in the wind and that has given me a migraine. I tried to blow it out but there’s just too much of it. I get like this a lot because of allergies but at this time of the year, it’s not really hayfever season. I suppose that anything like pollen could be blowing in that strong wind. Those that know me could tell that I was getting very frustrated with my knee preventing me from walking. I was literally becoming moody and irritated at tiny things. I’m a person that has to feel free and there isn’t much in my life that makes me feel free. I can at least get that feeling when I’m walking in the open air and not cooped up in a small space. I have a thing about being cooped up in small spaces anyway. That is why my fears are so high after being in that cell the other week. 

I want to straighten my hair but as soon as I go out there later it will be a mess. And, if it rains in the storms that are predicted, then technically I’m back to square one. I don’t like to straighten it more than once a week because of damaging (eg. snapping off the ends due to the fact I’m trying to grow it). The curls that I have naturally in it are not very tamed when just left at this length and it can look quite uneven. I can probably leave it natural when it does get to a certain length because I do have natural waves to give it a bit of style without using irons or hairdryers.

I did one of those things you really shouldn’t do last night. I washed it and left a conditioning mask (desperately needed it) on it for an hour. It was midnight by the time I’d washed it off and I did go to sleep with it damp. It was only not completely wet only because I did some nocturnal cleaning and tidying. I thought that as I wasn’t able to sleep until gone 5am this morning, I may as well catch up on what I hadn’t been able to do because of trying to rest my knee. I got up at 10am to a flat that was a lot better than it looked yesterday and throughout the week. I am extremely tired though and I’d like to wake up feeling like I’ve actually slept because that is the most wonderful feeling ever. This feeling is one that I don’t experience often. I’m either too worried about things to sleep or it’s just one of those things linked with my condition (Asperger Syndrome is linked to that kind of thing). I’m lucky in a way because I’m just borderline on that spectrum so I can attempt normal patterns of sleep… but they don’t last long term. I’m very used to working on things at night. It’s all about ‘catching up’ on things when studying. And, now I’m writing my book about the system ‘To Be Loved…’ also needs to be factored into plans. I use my Asperger Syndrome effects, but at the same time, I want to be normal and be able to do things like everyone else. That could be a possibility as I age and learn new things because I’m only borderline. In a way, I’d prefer to be normal. But, there are parts of my Aspergers I’d like to keep… everything apart from the bits that get me disliked by others that I really do care about and don’t want to lose.

I seem to have developed most of the bad traits anyway. I also don’t like how it masks my true caring personality. It makes me look like I’m acting a certain way because I’m selfish when that isn’t the case. I do not have the ability to act any other way. I would never want someone else to lose their job because of my actions, this is a perfect example… but I’d push things due to my own issues to make things dodgy in that department. It’s not even a nasty person. It is just how my Asperger Syndrome affects me. Even if I can see the implications and potential for that to happen, it doesn’t make me think even if I do genuinely care about them, so basically it makes me look awful.