Organising my birthday arrangements. / briefly touching on the Chris Packham programme.

I have been thinking about my birthday. Those that know me are aware that I am not materialistic. I do not need anything and I feel guilty when others give me money. There is absolutely nothing that others can give me that I would actually need or want. There is but we shall not go there right now because I don’t want to go over old ground here. I don’t want to get angry and wound up over anything because I’m chilled out right now. Others should be glad, I’m actually putting my stubborn streak to bed for a bit. I would like everyone to donate to Stand Up To Cancer. The link is

Those that know me personally will understand why I am choosing to donate to this charity and also the channel 4 stand up to cancer event is coming up very soon. I don’t watch all of it but the stories I’ve watched leave me in floods of tears. It is extremely important that more research can be paid for to aim for a cure one day so that those families are not torn apart by this awful disease. I watched it last year and one of those families lost a Mother and a Son within the space of a few years. The little boy had watched his Mothers cancer progress and then he was diagnosed with Cancer shortly after she passed away. The first thing he said to his Father is ‘am I going to be with mummy soon?’. I just ended up in floods of tears at that point (and thinking of it I have tears in my eyes now) because he did eventually end up passing away. He wasn’t the only child, he had a brother. This family ended up losing a Brother, a Mother, and Wife within such a short space of time. I still remember that story so freshly in my mind even now. It is a very worthwhile cause and I encourage people to donate to the fundraising page above. 

There are personal reasons why I have chosen this particular charity but I refuse to go into it because people have attacked me for my personal life. It’s like when people think I am gay/lesbian/bisexual or whatever and they think that I want more than friends. This isn’t how it is but they don’t want to know me just in case. I absolutely have NO ulterior motive. I just want friends. I won’t ever want a relationship. I do not care what other people think. The crap that they say absolutely most likely isn’t true… and believe me, I have been let into a few things that people have been saying behind my back. I grew up in this area, so I know what it can be like. If you wish to know something, ask me directly rather than going by what someone (who most likely doesn’t like me for whatever reason) says about me. I’m no threat to anyone so gossiping nastily about me serves no purpose whatsoever. I only want friends because I’m too young to ‘settle down’ and I think that this will always be me. I owe no one a justification of who I am to combat their ignorance and judgment. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that people will just be committed to their ignorance and opinions regardless of being showed proof that it isn’t correct. If others are committed to thinking a person is weird or bad etc then nothing is going to change their mindset. It took me getting ill to realise that I really shouldn’t get offended by other people’s perceptions or even their rejections. Sometimes it’s better off to be alone rather than made to feel like complete crap by other people’s judgments. Of course, I’ll always miss those that I liked, but I can’t force them to change their minds about me. That has to be up to them. I’ve tried and it’s made things so much worse and irreparable. 

I haven’t actually watched the Chris Packham documentary yet. However, I had someone literally tell me all the details so it’s as if I have watched it now. I can relate to some of the things mentioned in the documentary. I think that I will always live on my own (with the cats, but they’re animals). I’m certainly not as tidy as him. I have a friend who has Asperger Syndrome who is that way. I’m the opposite. I’m just messy! In those with Asperger Syndrome, it seems to be one extreme or the other. There are many of us females with the condition that are somewhat messy. We leave things in a disorganised manner. I know where everything is but they’re not in a particular place. I vaguely know where things may be but there are the odd occasions that consist of me throwing everything everywhere to find a particular thing. Important paperwork is the worse! That just gets lost in the sea of useless crap I no longer need spread around my flat. I do need a huge clear out because a lot of things can just be binned. I have always said that after my Mother passes away and I get the house (providing she doesn’t have to go into care or something), then I have the option to sell it and buy another property. I most likely will be moving to the countryside myself. Most likely not in the middle of a wood but on the outskirts of a country village etc. Those properties aren’t so expensive as the ones that are out in the sticks and they’re far enough away from other people so that I can be alone when I really need to be. I have found that I am a person that needs to be alone at times because I get overwhelmed and this is when I get caught in the moment and make stupid social mistakes. I tolerate living in a town but there is no way that I could ever live in a city. I tolerate going to the city to do things like college etc but I’m so glad to get home and away from the huge amount of people. They make me extremely anxious because I feel things really intensely and it’s too much for me at times. I know that it sounds pathetic and as I get older it seems to be more of a thing that bugs me. I’ve spoken to others with my diagnosis and it seems to be an age thing especially for the female Aspies. I can say that it must be age related because I never felt it as much as I am starting to nowadays. I also think that it is also down to how much crap we received growing up from others because we are different. It just puts you off of being around people so much.

I mentioned the wearing outfits that I feel comfortable in on a regular consistent basis the other night. I do wear other stuff but not every week. I save some clothes for the occasions when I do go out for the night etc. The clothes I wear all the time are so worn that they have holes appearing in some of them. The best clothes I own are preserved because I don’t wear them routinely. Those that know me will also know that I have a routine of going for a daily long walk. I have had that routine interrupted by my swollen knee. I got so fed up that I just thought screw it and attempted walks. Today was quite short because of the pain but I managed a two-hour walk two days ago answer my knee felt a hell of a lot less stiff. It’s not always a great idea to stay off of an injury because sometimes it recovers quicker without the aid of medication etc if you use it to the limits of pain etc and then it’s a lot better. I put it up every time I get back and put ice on it to reduce swelling so that it will release the fluid collection and go back to normal. I’ve managed to get it out of my knee cap now so I need to keep trying to get it up and out of the top of my leg. Medication doesn’t cure the cause, so it doesn’t fix the issue long term. I couldn’t take the normal medication when I was pregnant due to risks associated with it and it may have taken two months to go down, but it went away for about 3 or 4 years. It’s only because the accident I had last Christmas and that I got the quick fix that it was that easily triggered now. I landed on my knee and this obviously I knocked it into a position that brought back my original injury (which happened at the Gym approximately 7 or 8 years ago). I want to go back to the Gym soon, therefore I have to make sure this knee repairs properly else I’ll be suffering longer. I don’t like the Gym but I am gaining weight being unable to exercise properly. I have tried to exercise but I’m limited to what I can do because of my knee.

I will watch the Chris Packham programme properly within the next few days. I’m making the most of the half term break and catching up with other things at the moment. I am behind today because I overslept due to not being able to sleep well last night. That’s nothing new though because I have a sleeping pattern which consists of me being able to be wide awake at night between the hours of 1am and 4am.