I literally can’t do the going out and being the social thing anymore. I just realised this as I was discussing going out for my birthday and Halloween. I really don’t want to appear like a socially retarded freak, but I do not want to even go out anymore. The things that have happened have knocked my confidence extremely low. I don’t even want to be stuck at home etc… however, this is the only place that I truly feel safe. I used to love going out at night to karaoke and bars etc when I lived down South and even here until Jonny’s adoption went through. I can’t push myself out there. I know that if I don’t push myself then I’ll never go back out. But, I literally have no desire to go out again. I used to want to, but now I’d prefer to stay in with my cats (and they probably have a better social life than me).
I know that I have the potential to be popular (that’s not something I want anymore) but it’s just making myself get out there. I’m too scared that someone is going to be nice to my face, then gossip about me behind my back and screw me over again. It doesn’t matter how much I talk it through with others, I can’t get that fear out of my mind. It just sticks there because I know that there are so many bad people out there who say they understand but actually don’t and then cause trouble. I’ve had so many people promise me things which they didn’t follow through on… so I no longer believe anyone when they make promises now. I actually want to run out of the door every time it comes to socialising now. I hate being like that because once I’m out and settled I’m the last one to leave any venue due to the fact that I end up enjoying it. I could go out and potentially meet the best person that has ever happened to me, however, equally, I could also go out there and meet someone who turns out to be a nightmare (which I have a few times and that has put me off). I fall for those that are potentially extremely bad for me. And I now feel that everyone I get closer to is going to get me thrown into police cells for harassment etc. It doesn’t matter how much I explain my disability, others just can’t understand and I can’t always be what others expect, so I end up losing them and getting punished. I could go out with my niece but I am sure that she’ll disappear off with her mates (they’re all a decade younger than me) and I’ll end up on my own. If I do go out with them then I would prefer to take someone else either my age or older that I know so that I don’t get effectively ditched by a load of youngsters. I’m sorry but now I am about to hit the 30 mark, this is how I see my niece and her mates. In all honesty, I wish that I was 20 this year, rather than 30. I don’t feel mature enough to be 30. I think I’ve only just matured out of my teen years. I’m really slow and backward. I always have been. I am aging mentally and emotionally but at a much slower pace than people who are the same age as me. I can’t help that.