Another what grinds my gears time …

I am more than likely repeating myself in some way here, but it needs to be said. The attitudes of others when it comes to our issues. I am absolutely fed up with the ‘shrugging off’ of our issues. I’m sorry but if it was a physical disability those attitudes wouldn’t occur. You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to get a life and stop making a fuss out of nothing. Those of us who have something affecting our brain get told that we are making an issue out of nothing. I now see why so many people aren’t open about their issues if they’re mental health related. I guarantee that if they let the people around them know then they’d end up alone because everyone would ‘jump ship’.

You can’t just assume that I don’t suffer just because you just see a negative behaviour stemming from it. That’s not messing about and misbehaving but aspects of my disability. The problems in my life have been caused by others reactions to my disability. If labelled a criminal then you find it impossible to get a job and many other things are denied because you’re seen as a criminal rather than someone with a disability. Then people start using the sanctions based system because of that label thinking that it will force you to be the way that they want. That causes lasting damage to a person that can’t help the way that they are. I have had others flower up the negative aspects of my disability because of their inability to understand. I could give anyone a simple scenario and tell them to make it complex. That is an easy task and that is what others have done to me to justify their lack of understanding and support. Bottom line is this, I wanted a friend and I kept reaching out to those that had made a commitment to reject me. That hurts like a knife, let alone when they traumatise me with police and court involvement. I didn’t deserve it and I just wish that people would admit that they overreacted due to not understanding and took an action they should have never taken. The whole of that history has been written down and stained my character forever. I may not have been able to explain things in such detail as a younger person. But now I am and I just wish that others would listen! It’s not hard to fix what has been done and try to ‘get it’. I’m fed up of people using the system as an excuse when they try to imply that their hands are tied. The system has loopholes, even in law there are defence loopholes and case law which any solicitor can talk their way around. I know this is fact because I’m doing my gcse in law currently.

At the end of the day it’s about doing the right thing to end someone else’s stress. I’m in a constant state of stress because of how people have treated me for my disability. It is hard enough being trapped in a Shy social anxiety filled personality when that isn’t really me. It’s like locked in personality syndrome. I just can’t be who I want or ever have the confidence to do it. So I can never live life to the fullest and this frustrates me because I feel like I’m missing out. I’m not as experienced as everyone else seems to be. And this makes me look like a sad freak compared to others. I feel like that is now going to show up really badly if I go out socially, so I avoid doing it. I’m 30 years old and I feel like I only have the experiences of a teenager. It’s like I am stuck in time forever and that isn’t what I want. I progress no further than what others are allowing. But I hate it. And it doesn’t matter how much I tell the world, they still have that intense refusal to understand and make inclusion steps socially.

I’m a social weakling. I need those that aren’t to help me be included but not show this part of me.  I’m fed up completely with the assumptions and judgements about my intent etc. I hope that one day people will actually take on board what I’m saying. However, there’s barely been any progression of understanding and acceptance for any of us ordinary none celebrity people that have mental health related issues. Those that are famous or well known are the only ones feeling that acceptance and understanding by society due to having money and status. They can pay for their treatments instead of having to rely on the nhs and the majority of these treatments aren’t on the nhs because of expense. I can’t even get the counselling on that let’s talk service because of the long waiting lists and I’d actually attempted suicide by that point. Also, those with status can have anyone they want because others want the perks that come with being linked to the rich and famous. That cancels out any personal mental health issues that they may have. For instance, Prince Harry comes out about his depression but no one looks down on him or walks away from him because of his status within society. Chris Packham last night shares his story (not seen it yet because I was walking the time it was on), before he had any status everyone didn’t want to know. He is now a national autistic societies ambassador. I don’t know if it would make any difference if either of these people were a different gender. Autism is a male dominant condition.

There are more females being diagnosed, but I feel like I step into a very male dominated world when I go to these autism things. I’d love to be more womanly but virtually no girls (including myself) with a diagnosis of autism are very feminine. Make up isn’t a huge deal to us etc. I used to dress a lot more feminine but now spend my life in jeans, a top and trainers. I wear the same outfits because I feel comfortable in them. Granted I’ve had some since a teenager and they probably do need throwing out because of the wear on them, but I’m just stating that I find it difficult being a female diagnosed with this condition. We are meant to be so much more social than men and I’m just not. I want to be social but I’m really shy and due to my experiences I’ve lost all my confidence.