Intentions etc.

I am aware that right at this moment in time there is a slim chance that I’m going to convince others of this point. It seems that others have made up their mind about me even though they do not even know me. The blog will most likely be left active if my circumstances happen to worsen or something happens to me. In any event, I do not to be seen as an awful person. I don’t want that to be others memories of me because that isn’t fair. 

I never had any malicious intent in anything that I have ever done or said.  I reacted when I felt attacked. I didn’t just act the way that I did because I felt like it. There was things going on behind the scenes that others did not disclose to other parties involved. This failure to provide the full facts makes it seem like I’m a terrible person who just did and said things for no reason whatsoever. My actions were caused by frustration and hurt. I am a lot calmer now, but as a younger person I was sensitive and all the systems out there are really not appropriate for those of us that have been left sensitive due to our life experiences. I am not horrible. I am not weird. I tried to survive and cling on to whatever and whoever I could after going through many traumatic things. The condition that I have made me react differently to things.

I regret opening up to many people in my life, especially the last one. I hate feeling that they know personal information about me. I hate myself for opening up to them. They knew everything about me and I found out that they’d told all their friends everything. I don’t know those other people. I trusted the person, trust meant do not pass details of my life into their friends because I do not know them and people judge. I was pushed extremely far to say the things I said that started everything off. I’m not a nasty person. I just wanted a friend, nothing else, despite what I may have implied at that time when I was in a mess after my son was ripped away from me. And even in that scenario, I just wasn’t good enough to be his mum according to child services and they put extreme amount of pressure on me to make me fail. I was approached when I was pregnant on the proviso that they were there to offer ‘help’. I wasn’t offered any help. I was just monitored and every mistake I made was used against me despite never having been a Mum before. Before others start judging me you actually should know what goes on behind the scenes. People label me a bad person, punish me and have a go at me… but they haven’t a clue that I was pushed to react every time by the so called care system. I was pushed to the extreme where even non disabled people would have cracked under that kind of pressure.