I am feeling so uncomfortable. I can’t sleep because my swollen knee is bothering me. I’m feeling more fragile now than I have ever in my life and that bugs me. I may have a disability and health conditions but I’d never wanted anyone to see me as vulnerable. The vulnerable label makes you appear weak to others and I am nothing along the lines of weak. I have to not be weak because nowadays I depend on myself due to having no official support anymore.
I may have to use my crutches and I was hoping that I’d never have to rely on them. I feel kind of embarrassed using them. Well, more self conscious because I’m not used to having a visible physical issue and I worry what others may think. I know that this stems from the judgements I’ve got for my autism and learning disability affects. I’m sure that no one can judge me as harshly when I’m using my crutches due to my knee. Then there is people feeling like they should open doors for you etc. I hate that and I’m normally the one who holds the door open for people. It feels weird the other way around. I am really starting to go down hill physically in more than just my knee. And, I’ve already had a dream months back that I ended up in a wheelchair. I could never cope with having to have carers coming in etc. I just don’t want it. I hope that the dream wasn’t one of those that predict the reality to come, however, I’ve had so many like that and now I’m starting to suddenly feel a lot worse. It is worrying. I have felt like crap physically for the last fortnight. Constantly with no breaks. And it’s so tiring. I have got over my ocd issues now like everyone wanted me to because this has cancelled it out. I’m far too exhausted to flip into that mode. I barely have the energy to do every day things. And then this knee keeps me awake which adds to the tiredness. I don’t want life to be totally dependent on others because if the dream is one of those prediction types, that is what it is going to become.