I cannot possibly forget the things that have happened… ever. Others assume that it is unreasonable for me to hold onto things. I can’t just ‘get over’ everything that has happened. I never deserved anything that was done to me. And, I’m supposed to just be grateful that I was released and am now free. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to do that but I can’t. I hate when others try to force me to move on when I’m not ready. I am extremely depressed because I don’t see a future. There’s no point doing anything when I feel that I won’t be around next year. I’m tired and I’m struggling 24/7.
I hate the reality that I have ended up in. I just want to have it all come to an end. The order etc is something I don’t want to last indefinite. I cannot accept being punished forever when I only said the things I said because I was backed into a corner. I’m not a nasty person and I do not deserve to never be forgiven and given a chance. I will never love again. I have told myself that I won’t ever get into any friendship and/or relationship because I don’t want to get hurt again. I won’t trust ever again. I don’t ever want to go out half of the time. I can’t sleep. I hate thinking of the next day because getting through them is beyond a struggle now. That is why I can’t come off the painkillers etc due to the fact that I have nothing else. I’ve never felt more depressed in my life. Despite what others think about pushing me towards therapy isn’t helpful. It doesn’t matter whether I have therapy or not, I will not get rid of my Autism and learning disabilities. I will always despise myself because others dislike me due to having the above issues. I won’t EVER find another that I like and they like me because of the issues I have. I can forget being with others that I actually like because they’ll never accept me. I am destined to lose everyone I cared about due to not being lovable. I won’t be good enough to be lovable. I don’t want to be loved by someone that I can never love. And that is why I’ve brushed off offers I’ve had because I will only have one person in my heart for the foreseeable future and I can’t help that. I’d rather spend my life alone than move on and find another person. I’ve never been with anyone because I’m not good enough for those that I wanted because of my autism and learning disabilities combined. There is no therapy for that and it’s not just me who needs the therapy, others need training in understanding my disability so that they don’t reject me for it.