Honestly speaking…

I think that it is important that I am brutally honest regarding how I have been made to feel due to the actions of others that are committed to not understanding my disability. I have been treated too harshly for just wanting a friend and it has subsequently destroyed everything about me. I cannot trust anyone and due to this I do not like going out etc. I barely answer my private messages now.  I do answer if it’s urgent but that is to normally brief. I see others going out, on holiday and generally enjoying life. I can’t go on holiday because I don’t have enough money. The total I paid to the other person in compensation during the whole case could have purchased me a holiday that I desperately need. On principle, one day I want to try to claim that money back because the other half hasn’t suffered to the same degree as me in the whole case. I am deeply emotionally scarred over it. I may never get employment due to what’s been left on record and physically it’s exacerbated my health problems. Not to mention caused me addiction problems regarding the painkillers. I’ve had my life negatively impacted because of being judged by others for the proceedings against me. I have been a victim of accusations made due to assumptions and ignorance of my disability. It’s wrong, but the laws give the public the right to outrightly discriminate by twisting things which they do not understand.

I feel terrorised by everything that has happened. The other person can now move on with their life. I can’t with the record they’ve put on my name. I have an order on me for the foreseeable future (for life) and that is like a huge weight that causes me extreme stress. I’m supposed to just accept that has to be the reality now. I can’t do that because I know that I’ve been accused of being someone I am not. I’m needing a new laptop because mine is falling to bits due to age. I have to make decorating my flat a priority so I can never afford anything else.

I also hate each day of my life. I literally do not want to get up every morning (afternoon at the moment most of the time). I literally hate this existence. I’m deeply unhappy and I am absolutely fed up with people telling me to be cheerful and carry on with things. I’ve put on a brave face but underneath I still feel broken and extremely affected by things that have happened. I am traumatised and it doesn’t matter how much I try to pretend I’m not… the truth is still there inside me even if I try not to show it. The other person involved doesn’t care otherwise they wouldn’t have done this to me. It’s not as if I wasn’t upfront and honest about my disability issues. Okay, I held back on the learning disability part because they were intelligent and that implies that I’m intellectually stunted. I know that intelligent people won’t like someone who can not grasp things because they have a simple mind. I don’t even like being friends with others who are learning disabled because I am on the borderline and can’t relate to them. The normal don’t understand me.

I’m struggling every single day. I know that my health problems are going to finish mr off soon. I actually wish for it to come faster because I’ve had enough. I’m extremely tired and every day feels like I’m living for nothing. I comfort eat so I’m losing my figure more and more. I wish to be freed from this hell. Only death will do that. It’s such an effort every day waking up to a life I can’t stand and due to many restrictions on circumstances, I can’t change things either. This is the one reality I never wanted.