I am absolutely exhausted so this entry is going to be rather short today. I got up early and then was told that I actually didn’t need to go to that meeting this morning because I’m going to the Tuesday group sessions for the next 10 weeks. The one I spoke about on here a few days ago. I could have stayed in bed this morning. I dragged myself out of bed because I knew that I didn’t have a choice but to attend the probation sessions. I would have been quite happy to stay in bed because I hadn’t slept all night. I have had broken sleep constantly for the last fortnight because I literally keep waking up and I don’t even know what has woken me half of that time. At times it’s been cryptic dreams and at other times my cats have decided to get on the bed and nudge me awake (normally this doesn’t wake me up because I’m used to them snuggling next to me when I’m asleep). I’m at the point where I am beyond the point of exhausted. GCSE Law is complex in general, let alone when you’re so tired you cannot read the text properly without it bouncing around. And, in this state, when it comes to Maths, I’m mixing numbers up. I have my level 1 exam in next month. I’m going to try to catch up with sleep over the half term but I do still need to be revising and working on my GCSE law topics. The flat also needs a major sort out/clean. I’ve done bits but not everything yet. It’s a huge job for just one person and I have to do most of it on my own because I don’t like others coming across private stuff within the mess that is around. I feel like
I feel like I’m going to crack under the pressure of having so much to do and burning out because of lack of sleep.
I’m also worrying a lot about my future. I’m extremely afraid of being judged the same as some of the people that have been in the media stories recently. There is so much being shared about crimes committed where people have ended up murdered etc by those diagnosed with mental illness. It creates a distrust out there that will linger on a long-term basis because of these tragic cases. I don’t want to be seen as the same as those individuals that do these terrible things due to their illnesses. I fear being permanently judged for doing things due to not knowing any better because of my autism and learning disabilities. I am scared that I’ll be disliked by those I cared about for the rest of my because they will always think that I acted the way I did on purpose. That isn’t true. I have very little experience when it comes to relationships and all those social things that others take for granted don’t come naturally to me. I just want to avoid being demonised for my past mistakes because I never did them on purpose. I am seeing what is kicking around in the media spotlight currently and feel that I’m going to get categorised with awful people. I’m not awful. I was stupid and inexperienced. It’s taken me a long time to mature because of my Autism and Learning Disabilities combined. I was also extremely depressed (still am quite a lot because I am affected by my past). I live in fear of future judgment because of what is happening on a grand scale, others make assumptions… this is what people are like if they don’t understand something. I fear that those assumptions will label me negatively. I don’t want to live my life paranoid that I’m hated by others and that I’m being judged as a weirdo, but that is what is getting into my head. Although I know that I’m changing because I can feel myself growing up and thinking differently, it’s virtually impossible to convince others to ever forgive me or consider a future where they accept me. I’d love to be given a chance in the future, but what I see out in society around me shows me that once judged you’re under the opinion they form of you for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter that I’m only 30 and still young enough to become a totally different person as I age and mature. One categorised, always in that box. Once seen as a weirdo, others don’t want you ever. That is exactly how it seems from what I have observed by the stories I see in the media and things I’ve seen in society in general.