Life is never going to be the same again.

Life as I have always known it seems to be changing. It won’t ever be the same again. This isn’t a negative thing… I don’t think it is anyway. I went to the probation group today. I’m on the Change Programme until Christmas (and I will most likely be put on another programme because this is 10 sessions and I’ve been told that I have to do 20 RAR days by the court). We do the cycle of change (identifying our issues), emotional management, self-esteem, communication, boundaries, conflict resolution, problem-solving, goal setting and moving forward (personal plans – signposted to other organisations, referral to further courses etc). 

I am 30 years old in exactly 2 weeks. That has gone by so fast. 30 years since the hurricane the week I was born … and I sure as hell had a hurricane of a life. The hurricane that the weatherman infamously said wasn’t coming. It did and I don’t think he ever has been able to live that down. They had it a lot worse down south but according to people that I’ve met who remember that week of 87’ (obviously I don’t because I was born after the storm went through the UK) it was very windy even in this locality. I am quite sad about reaching 30. I feel that I now have to leave my child like side behind. I don’t feel like I ever had a normal childhood due to looking after my Dad etc because of him having a disability. I don’t blame my Dad for that, but I never got to socialise as a child because of my Autism and caring responsibilities combined. I would never wish that away because I miss my Dad and it only seems like yesterday that I lost him (although it has actually been about 7 years). I sometimes just wish that things would have been different. It feels that this is such a significant birthday. I’ve already started changing randomly. I see it in my opinions and how I’m starting to think about things. I don’t want to leave the old me behind completely. That feels quite sad to me. I have never noticed any type of aging in my face until recently. I’ve literally looked like a teenager throughout my 20s. I’ve noticed my face changing over the last year and especially in my latest photo, it’s got a slightly maturer look to it. It helps now that I’ve grown my hair though. I have been trying to grow my hair for ages. It has finally recovered from bleach damage. I would love it blond again though. I know for a fact that isn’t a good idea because I’ve done it four times during my 20s and each time I’ve had to go back dark, losing the length that I want in my hair. I’d love it right down my back but it takes years! I had snappy ends so it’s stunted the growth of my hair. I also got fed up at one point and cut my own hair last year because it was in such a state after being bleached. I was in a bit of a mess emotionally so I didn’t care what mess I made of it on top of the other mess. I have masses of dry thick hair so it takes a lot of looking after otherwise it gets matted etc. I have to deep condition mask it each time I wash it because it lacks moisture. Anyway, before I get distracted by talking about hair, I shall move on.

I’ve decided to not quit college now. I absolutely hate Maths but I do need it and putting it off isn’t going to make it any easier. It’s always going to be one of the more difficult subjects for me and I’m just going to have to do what I can enough to actually pass it. I’m happy with a C because that is all I need to get onto a higher level of education. I struggle with numbers but I only need to reach a certain point, luckily I’m not planning on going to Oxford or Cambridge so I don’t need As in all subjects. If I do move away then I won’t even be going to the university that  I planned to go to around here. Most of them require the same grades to get in apart from the elite few located in the above areas. There’s a female only type university in Cambridgeshire but they require entrants to have all A’s and A*s to study there. Those that get to study there are either A* brainy or from elite type families that the likes of me could only ever dream of being related to. I only know this information because I lived near Bedford and spent a bit of time in Cambridge (nearly getting run over by the vast amount of cyclists there… that is the main thing I remember apart from the ancient attractive buildings etc). These people that attend those types of institutions live in completely different worlds to us.

I heard something at the group today. It rang true to me because I see things that relate to my own life by the statement. The whole point of the change cycle is to look at what you ‘bring to the table’. The involvement that you have in anything must be beneficial to yourself or others to have a successful relationship. I realise that I bring absolutely nothing to the table whatsoever. Others probably think that because of my disability they will be expected to effectively ‘look after me’. That isn’t what I want others to think. I don’t want my learning disabilities to make them feel that they have to look after me. I may be socially backward for my age but friends don’t have to look after me. That isn’t what I want. I can look after myself because I have to on a daily basis. If I give that impression, that has never been the intention. But, my point is that I don’t feel that I bring anything to the table for someone else to want to know. As I’ve said previously, I don’t see how anyone would be interested in me because of my learning disabilities alongside my actual main disability.