Untitled.

I have deliberately labeled this as untitled because I have had a quite nondescript day. It is a terminology a lot of artists use when they can’t really categorise a work of art or song. I’ve seen a few songs in the 90s that had this title. I agree that it lacks creativity but sometimes that is just the only way to describe something.  I did things that I did not want to do, e.g quit my Maths course. I know that I need the qualification, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to concentrate on it at the moment. I’d rather just have time off for a few years (however long it takes me to get over everything). There is no pressure on me to get a career yet. I’m only 30 and I’ve been through a hell of a lot. I can’t just go back out there and carry on as if nothing has happened after my son’s adoption etc. I never dealt with any of that. The time I spent in care as an adolescent affected me badly too. I’ve been trying to hold it together for a long time after those experiences not realising how it was affecting me. I’m not an awful person (which is how it appears to the outside).

I just had no idea how it affected my interaction with others. I’m not a nasty person. I’m hurting and I hate others walking off acting as if my pain didn’t matter at all. I made other mistakes because of lack of experience. I’ve never dated. I’ve never had that as a priority. I’ve never even been the type of person that needed a load of people around them. I don’t mind being alone. I used to get lonely, but now I like my own space because my experiences with others just aren’t worth being a ‘social being’. I used to go out when I lived down south, but I was a lot younger then. It seems so long since I was in my early 20’s. I have friends but we are all the same in regards to the fact of being geeks/freaks and don’t want to go out socially, not to mention we are quite spread out (I’ve moved around a lot in my life). It doesn’t feel the same going out now as it did when I was younger. I just don’t have fun and constantly want to go home nowadays. I don’t even enjoy being around other people anymore due to what has been done to me. I just can’t another person because everyone I’ve remotely trusted has had a negative impact on my life.

I also have stupid health problems, for example, my knee randomly decides to swell up (I only banged it the other day by accident and it was just a small knock), I have my leg up on the side of the chair while I’m typing this entry because it is the only way to drain off the fluid without having to take anti-inflammatories. It only takes a knock or a stretch of my knee the wrong way and it swells. It was a huge issue before I got pregnant and after having my son it stopped for a while… however, it came back and now it’s doing this regularly. It’s an old Gym injury… I was size 16 and wanted to get rid of the weight way too enthusiastically. This is what I was left with for that enthusiasm. I need to try to not exercise when it comes up, but then I get really stressy when I gain weight because of keeping off of it. I have crutches but I can’t walk miles on them due to the fact that they make your hands sore (they aren’t designed for walking distances). 

They say it’s good to be enthusiastic, however, I beg to differ because in my experience, every time I’ve been enthusiastic, it’s ended up a huge mess for me. I’d rather be laid back and not care less, this is a way not to get disappointed if things don’t work out. It’s not worth having hopes because they all get dashed. I don’t think I’d have mental health problems if I hadn’t had such high expectations. I had normal expectations, but they were ‘too normal’ for a person with learning disabilities. I cannot make the grades that I wish that I could. The fact that I do not have the abilities that I needed to reach those goals are a frustration within itself. I’ve never spoken about my learning disabilities alongside my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis. It’s not something that I’ve ever wanted to face because I don’t want to accept that those learning disabilities will mean I can never be at the level I’d have liked to have been in life. 

On a positive note, I got the results of my ultrasound today. It came back normal. Therefore, it must have been caused by stress. There is no other explanation for it. There’s no physical reason why I’m experiencing horrendous monthlies. It looks like I’m just going to have to put up with it for one week a month. I cannot fix stress. It just comes with having Asperger Syndrome and learning disabilities. That is also another reason why I’m having a break from being out there because I will feel less stressed. There is no danger of misunderstandings and more stress being laid on me. I don’t understand half of the things that others say. I have blagged my way through life due to lack of schooling. I can’t learn things that easily because of my learning disabilities and I’m too old (that is why they do all these therapies and learning skills stuff with children, there is no funding for adults due to statistically not being as able to relearn everything as successfully as those who are children). I want to learn things, but it doesn’t mean that I can due to my associated learning disabilities. It’s not always enough wanting to learn things and can end up a source of frustration (also causing stress). If I do not have the abilities, but I want to be able to do something, then that is going to be extremely stressful for me. Then others have a go at me and punish me for things I can’t naturally do and this is extreme stress for me. Others may feel that things are so easy for me to do because they are able to do it. That isn’t true. There are some things that are difficult for me because my brain isn’t programmed like theirs. There is absolutely no way that punishment is going to programme someone’s brain to have abilities that it doesn’t have. This is not helping someone at all, despite what ‘normal brained’ people may assume. And, as far as others assuming that sanctioning me will get rid of my OCD is going to be successful, then they are sadly mistaken. Internalising my OCD traits because I’ve been forced to due to circumstances harms me. It’s made me constantly exhausted and maybe even contributed to my above problem. I have tried to explain this to others but they just don’t listen.