I can’t just ‘put up and shut up’…

I simply cannot ‘put up and shut up’ anymore. How am I supposed to pretend things haven’t affected me when they really have? I have lasting effects which have started to become more apparent recently. I quit college because I don’t want to go out there or to that locality again regularly because of the negative memories. I don’t want to quit because I need my education. I just can’t face others on a daily basis right now. The more things I can cancel, the better it is for me. 

I’ve decided that I don’t really want to give blood and even the idea of donating my eggs to the fertility clinic no longer has the same appeal to me. I’m on the donor register, but it’s a whole different thing when you’ve passed away, and I’m not sure what will still be useable after I’m gone. I know that some of me won’t be good enough to use. But, that is the story of my life. I don’t feel that I should be messing with nature. If I give my eggs to the fertility clinic then I’m basically giving away my own potential children to couples that can’t have their own. That completely messes with the everything happens for a reason thing. And, as for giving blood, it could make me ill due to my own health problems. I don’t want to help people in this way because I’m sacrificing aspects of myself.

I hate every single day at the moment. It’s a struggle to get through it and every night I dread another day. I have comfort eaten and gained weight. Then I’m disgusted at my figure because it’s too big for me. I’m in debt because I overspent so much when I was affected by everything. The stupid amount of APR added to credit has left me with ever increasing interest on top of the money I actually spent. I had interest free but missed a payment so the offer no longer applied due to the fact that it was in the terms and conditions. I only missed the payment because I changed email addresses and my notification didn’t come through. It was a genuine accident but they don’t allow any excuses. PayPal credit  is not the best service to use. It seemed good, until you start using it. Then you miss a payment and their offer no longer stands. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to pay off. I haven’t got a lot of money right now. I have to redecorate my flat because it looks a hell of a mess. I haven’t the money do it. I’m literally walking around in clothes that are rags because I can’t afford new ones. I maybe going up a size soon because everything feels tight.

I’ve been struggling so much throughout everything. I don’t deserve all that I have got because everything’s had a knock on effect. I think that the majority of my shoes/trainers are getting holes in them but I cannot afford to buy new ones. I’m emotionally exhausted and that makes me physically exhausted. People look at me and label me as the bad one. But I’m not because the other person involved could have helped me rather than deciding to make my situation worse. I’m in the position that I am today because of them not understanding anything about my disability. It wasn’t even like I didn’t try to explain it to them.

I’m struggling so much that I don’t want to wake up in the morning due to the fact that I’m waking up to nothing and no hope because of the other person. They do not have a clue what they’ve caused, they only care about themselves. I won’t ever repair from all of what has happened. I have lasting damage to my life because of their actions.