Today has been a struggle.

It has felt like a hell of a long day. I’m starting to crave painkillers again. I ran out last night and haven’t taken any in 24 hours. I’m starting to get withdrawal effects. It causes pain because your nerve endings ‘wake up’ and get oversensitive. They were really tender earlier. I think I’m through the worse of it now. I still feel restless because I’m used to them helping me feel chilled out. 

I was practicing my Maths work earlier. I think that I’m going to have to rely on just about scraping through the exams. It’s never going to be a strong subject for me. I’m only doing it because I need it to get to degree level. If there was another option then I’d take it. I need to get my GCSE in Maths asap because the new GCSE’s (my English GCSE is one of them) have time limits of approximately 5 years. I think it is absolutely ridiculous but that is our stupid education system now (all revolves around making money). I don’t even know if my English GCSE is going to be accepted because we did the old version which consisted of coursework towards our marks. It is all exam based now. I hear that you have to actually learn the texts before you go into the exam. I didn’t get a lot of schooling so I had to manage to scrape a C on my other GCSE’s (English, Psychology, Biology, managed to get a B in Sociology). I know that I’m going to have to brush up on my knowledge before I attempt to pass A Levels (so much more details required and writing during exams). I think the borderline learning disabilities part of my condition are going to get in the way when it comes to doing a higher level. I may have to accept that I’m never going to get to the Postgraduate level goal. I’ve had to play catch up throughout my life, but maybe I’ll never actually catch up fully. I don’t want to accept that I have a learning disability. I wish that I’d been one of those savant Aspergers. I could have been in such a high position by now and would never have got into any trouble through lack of understanding. I really don’t see how I’m going to go very far under the current education system. It makes it more complicated than it should be and due to having learning disabilities, it already is complicated enough to me. I don’t think that I was designed to be highly educated. I honestly do not feel that I’ll ever get to where I want to be in life.  

I have stopped seeing all those triple numbers. I must have completed some kind of ‘everything happens for a reason’ mission. I saw 8888 today on my walk on two wheely bins side by side. I was seeing four repeated numbers for a while. I do feel that they both mean different things. I looked up the number today and it said ‘the only way to have a friend is to be one’. Then it went on to say that this number means money, good fortune, and a windfall. After everything I’ve been through, I would love some good fortune. 

I am aware that there have been high profile news stories regarding a teenager with Asperger Syndrome being charged with hacking the FBI and the CIA. I have decided that I am no longer going to try to make the public understand things from our point of view because I’m sick of getting laid into. I honestly do not have an opinion on the case. He made the decision to hack into the personal accounts of members of the FBI/CIA. He now has to pay the price for that because hacking is illegal. I had to pay the price for the decisions that I made that happened to be against the law. It’s as black and white as that. There is absolutely no way that society is ever going to understand anything that I try to explain to them. They do not care about any of the factors I try to explain to them. All they care about is written instruction known as the law. I’m not being made a target for trolling because of trying to get others to understand what it is like for people like myself. I get hated trying to explain things and help others to understand certain aspects. I do not want to be hated. I just want to fit in and that is all I’ve ever wanted. I can’t 

I can’t sleep much at the moment. I try to sleep but I keep waking up. I can’t remember sleeping half of the night for the last 3 or 4 days. Then I keep having the most cryptic dreams ever, which also wakes you up because some of them are quite traumatic. I have stopped waking up screaming now at least. And, then when I try to forget things to move on with life, I got a five-pound note as change with the initials of the person I’m trying to forget printed in the bar code. It is extremely irritating because I will always miss the other person and things like that happening doesn’t help with trying to completely forget them.