I may look like I am getting on with things and I physically look a lot better in my latest photo. However, it is just a brave face okay. I’m still struggling underneath so badly. I’m extremely depressed. I’ve avoided feeling that way because of taking the painkillers. The effects of them are antidepressant. They give you a mood lift. I am starting to feel the depression at its full impact. I have just quit college because I don’t really want to be around people. I have just emailed to confirm that I’m leaving. I haven’t told my family because they wouldn’t approve. I’m still doing my GCSE law distance learning. I don’t have to go out or be with anyone then. I don’t want to be in the city right now. There are too many memories I’d rather forget because they dig at me so much.
I truly did care about the other person. I loved them so much. And I do not want things to be the way they are forever. I cannot just ‘forget’ what has happened. It affects me and I cannot help that. I can’t just ‘switch it off’. The whole situation has extremely damaged me beyond repair. I know that others do not understand why I’ve been affected the way that I have. I’m not willing to get into long debates to justify my feelings. I’m too tired to argue because I literally have no energy left. I am broken because nothing is ever going to change. It doesn’t matter how many times people have a go at me for how I feel, that won’t change how I feel about things. I wanted to be with the other person or at least have some fun with them. It wasn’t that I just wanted a Mother figure (although this has never helped matters). I know that I’m always denying that I am bisexual/lesbian. I did say that I do not want to categorise myself. And I refuse to talk about this side of myself. I don’t want to be that way. I was brought up to believe that same-sex relationships were abnormal. But, anyway I was a fool to think that anyone much more intelligent and somewhat beautiful than myself would ever want me. I have learning disabilities and I’m poorly educated. I’m not good enough for them even as a friend. I’d take friends just so I could have them in my life. I am aware that I am far too young for them in any other way. I also lack experience and if I went for it with them it would have been my first intimate experience with a female. I’ve never kissed a girl even. I have barely kissed a guy. I only kissed a few guys because I felt pressured into it growing up due to the fact that I wanted to fit in.
I’m speaking from the heart here. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me or even understand. I won’t ever be the same again. I’m not the type of person to just quit college. That shows how affected I am. I’m emotionally exhausted and that is turning in to physical exhaustion. I could sleep 24 hours a day right now. I can’t put a brave face on any longer without being honest in regards to how I really feel about everything. This whole situation has ruined me as a person. I honestly have never felt the way I did about the other person about anyone else in my entire life. I wouldn’t still feel the way that I do if it wasn’t like that. I can’t let go because this wasn’t just a stupid youngster crush. I truly felt love for the other person. It wouldn’t have destroyed me this badly.