The Children Debate (related the today’s Wright Stuff Topic)

I feel quite strongly about this topic that was raised on the Wright Stuff today. This is mainly due to my own circumstances and issues relating to the topic. I thought that it would be a brilliant one to explore on here because it’s something that I feel is a fact of life for us women. The expectation to procreate from people who barely know you just because they see that you’re female is highly irritating. Those that meet me in everyday life obviously do not know that I’ve ‘been there and done that’. They assume because of my lifestyle that I have never had any children. I’m always flitting here, there and everywhere. Including late nights sometimes. This is something that I wouldn’t be able to do if my son was still with me. He would be 6 now and at that age, my life would be revolving around him. If things had been different and I’d had a choice regarding his adoption, I wouldn’t have minded that because I feel that I could have got used to that lifestyle in time. It did emotionally upset me when I lost him because I think that is a huge factor in regards of how I acted towards others. I may have been emotionally affected, quite cut up and upset over it all…. but, I was certainly not the maternal type. I know this sounds awful and it is brave for a woman to admit this because we are expected to ‘flick a switch’ and feel all those feelings. They just didn’t come for me. I cared about him, in my own way. However, it just didn’t ‘feel’ like he was my baby. I didn’t have that connection with him. I didn’t have that overwhelming maternal love that is supposed to be there when he was handed to me… and it never came, he felt more like a baby sibling than a son. I actually have more maternal feelings for the cats now than I had for my own son back then. 

I’ve had others tell me that I shouldn’t be hard on myself because my upbringing means that it probably isn’t my fault that I couldn’t feel those maternal feelings at that time. I think it has a lot to do with the relationships that we form with our own Mothers. I have a Mother who I do see, but she is cold and I don’t think she had any maternal feelings for me or my sisters. Her main priority is money and material possessions. This is why I’m so not materialistic. I absolutely cannot stand that kind of thing. I like to look nice and buy decent clothes etc, but I’m not the type of person that would go out there wearing designer brands that cost a fortune even if I did have that kind of money. If I saved up then I could afford designer things but I’ve used it to pay the education that I needed. I may occasionally treat myself in the future when all the hard work getting my education is finished, but not at the moment. I do think it has a lot to do with my Mother in regards to the maternal instinct that I just do not have. I find myself acting cold even if I care because I’ve never learned how to be ‘warm’. I have a thing where I pretend I don’t notice if things are going on around me that I find makes me have to react warmly. I’m not trying to be mean, I just don’t want to seem cold in my reactions.

If I could ‘turn back the clock’, as much as I cared about my son, I wouldn’t have had children. I didn’t always want children. As a teenager, I was totally against ever going there. I knew what was expected of me as a female, but I just didn’t want to go there. I have never changed my stance on marriage. I never wanted to get married then and I still have the same fixed mindset on that one. I would find being linked to another person completely irritating. I don’t ever wish to settle down in that way. I like to be around on my terms and then disappear. That is something that would never be acceptable in a marriage. I do agree that consistency may be good for me to help me fit in with others, but I just don’t feel able to really connect with another. I’d like to, but I don’t think I have the ability. I have cared about people but it ended up looking completely the opposite and then things just don’t work out even in friendship scenarios. The worse thing is that I actually don’t know how to appear ‘nice’. I’m always stressed and highly strung because that has been caused by the environment that I grew up in. I didn’t have a home where I could ever relax and then I went into care (you certainly can’t relax in there). I may have my own flat now, where I can relax, however, you’re shaped as a youngster. Those earlier experiences have made my personality and who I am today. I can modify them but I’m still the same underneath for the rest of my life. It’s horrible to care so much about others but never have the ability to show it to them. I try to show that I care and it never comes out right, it looks like I’m trying to hassle them etc. I can’t get others to understand why I’m like that and I actually do care but somehow it seems like I’m making out that I need them and it’s all about my needs. That is how others see it and I can never change that factor. In regards to the original topic

In regards to the original topic, before I go off on secondary topics again, I have friends and family with children. They obviously post photos of their children on social networks because that is a natural thing. It is getting increasingly difficult for me to be able to cope with the fact that they have what I lost basically. I try not to make comments that show how I feel because it’s not fair on them for me to lay guilt about my situation onto them. It used to be harder when I thought that I wanted more children. But, I’ve worked out a way of being ‘feelingless’ so I’m not affected by things. Those I’m friends with that have their own children know me well enough not to make comments along the lines of asking me if I am going to have any more or settle down and get married etc. They know that these questions will upset me due to my background and situation. I would never outrightly ask another female why they chose not to have children or those without children whether they were going to have any. It is their personal choice and they may have issues (like myself) which means those kinds of questions will upset them. Those women with children who give childless women a hard time for their choice are completely out of order. It doesn’t mean that the woman is selfish or they aren’t a proper woman if they can’t physically have kids. These kinds of issues cause very real extreme emotional pain for some women (myself included here). Your judgments aren’t necessary and certainly aren’t helpful. I tried to have a child, I wasn’t maternal and that wasn’t a choice but down to my upbringing. It doesn’t make someone an awful person if they decide not to have children.

In all honesty, I couldn’t go through the whole birth process again due to the pain. I can honestly say that after that kind of pain, my everyday pain threshold is very high now. I had a negative experience because my son’s birth was quite traumatic and had issues which made it all ten times worse. That is why I feel that the process of donating my eggs to the fertility clinic for couples who cannot have children will most likely be a walk in the park compared to that experience. 

And, here’s a food for thought, the population in the UK alone is approximately 7 billion (at the last count). The services are already struggling to cope with the demands of the huge population numbers and the fact that people are living longer etc. If people keep producing children, the numbers go up and up. The system cannot cope with the numbers as it currently stands. Hospital beds are constantly full, the wait for ambulances are sometimes over an hour if it is a non-emergency. The older people are living out their final days in care homes because their children have grown up, had children of their own and signed their parents over to the state to look after. The GP’s have over a month to wait even for a pre-booked appointment now. We are either stuck in traffic or have to queue everywhere nowadays due to the growth in population. The pollution caused by that traffic is at dangerous levels. The last few years are the only time I’ve ever actually seen supermarkets run out of food stock. We cannot keep adding to the population because all the problems above will just get worse. I do feel that we should have some kind of limit put on how many children is acceptable for people to have. I would say 2 to 3 is enough. I don’t want to sound mean, but it has to be said.