Restless.

I have to wait a week for my internal ultrasound results. They can’t tell you on the day. I’m going by the fact that I saw two magpies on the way it should be good news. I think my girly issues was just stress and now everything is over (well, it will be after probation and hopefully the order in the future can be limited to a time frame) I can live a less stressful existence. I have always reacted to stress quite badly. It literally has made me sick in the past. I’m getting better with age but I can’t stop my body reacting even if I can stop myself throwing up at times. I nearly threw up driving on the way to my first Biology exam earlier this year. It made it worse because my exam centre was so far from where I lived (that is the issue with doing IGCSE’s, the centres for those exams are sparse). I didn’t particularly want to go that far to take an exam (I won’t have to with the law GCSE exam this year) but it was the nearest one to me within the same county with reasonable exam fees. I nearly missed the village because the sign was so small and it was literally in the middle of nowhere. That doesn’t help when stress is making you feel like you’re going to throw up. Despite all that, I made it to my exam on time and got the C grade that I needed 🙂 I’ve got used to having odds stacked against me. It would be a great change to achieve grades under no negative circumstances. However, it has been this way for many years because of many many things.

I’m not looking forward to Christmas already. It is for people with children and reminds me of the life I was denied. Halloween is OK. They are both Pagan festivals (Yule and Samhain) which I prefer to celebrate because it’s less commercialised and not so child focused. I used to like children until I lost my son to adoption. I don’t know if it’s the emotional pain associated with that experience that has hardened me in that department. I can’t stand other people’s children. I think Christmas sends them the wrong message. I’m not materialistic, but it’s so commercialised, that the children nowadays think that everything is going to be handed to them on a plate. That makes them act like complete brats. They have to learn that no one helps anyone now. We live in a completely selfish society. We are taught to distrust each other because of the negative things that happen which are reported in the news. It’s because of those news articles that those of us with disabilities mentally related don’t get any support from people, instead, we get condemned and pushed away. If someone would have just mentored me instead of pushing me away and rejected me (I’m talking about many points in my life, not just on the last occasion), I’d be extremely successful by now. I would look more attractive, and most of all, I’d be happy. But, no one has ever stayed with me because of how we’ve become as a society. And, it’s not like I really need anyone now. I’m used to being on my own, so I have become self-sufficient. I am literally physically strong for a female. I managed to turn over my kingsized mattress myself earlier. I’m not denying that it was heavy but what choice do I have. I don’t have anyone. I just lose everyone that I care about because they make stupid assumptions. I also had to put the electric blanket back on so that meant I had to pull parts of the mattress up and put through the strings to attach it to the bed. I am also 

I am also restless, not only waiting for the results of today’s ultrasound but also I want to know what I’m going to be doing for probation arrangements. I won’t find this out until Thursday. I just want to get that over with because I don’t feel that I deserve it for just wanting a friend. I’d rather be left alone to get over the rejection and the other person’s refusal to understand. I don’t need the pressure of having to do work and being around people because right now I do not like other people. I also need my test results to be normal in order to be able to donate my eggs to the fertility clinic. And I’m only doing these things to prove that I’m a caring person. It takes a lot to give your eggs over to other females that can’t have children themselves. If I was selfish and how others have painted me then I wouldn’t be going ahead with it. I seem to always be giving to others but hardly receive anything in return. I’m giving blood soon because they’ve now said I’m healthy enough and I went away following the diet that they told me to do in order to make myself fit enough to do it. I am going to ace those physical tests on 11th October because I’ve been eating normally etc. I’m hoping that I don’t react badly because I am donating in the city after I come out of college. I went to the local one last time but I spend half of my life in the city so I may as well drop by their donation centre.