I have something on every single day this week apart from Friday, which will probably get booked up to full capacity or I will finally get to go to the Gym due to the jam-packed schedule I have this week. I’m not complaining. I wanted to go out and start doing things, but at the same time, I feel like I need a break away from everything. The legal case is finally over, so both of us can go our own way and never have to be involved with each other in any shape or form ever again. I never wanted that previously, but now I’ve matured and realised that it is the only way to be able to fully move on. I’ve wanted it all over for weeks. But, I’ve also wanted a break after it was all concluded. It doesn’t seem like I’m going to get one until at least half term and that will only be not having to go college lessons for a week because the probation things will still be happening. I will have a work placement once a week for 20 days/sessions. I don’t mind that because I want to work and hopefully, I can use that placement to obtain a reference for future volunteer placements after the community order has ended. I’ve been constantly on the go all day today and haven’t even started that yet. I went to see an organisation that runs courses for those with mental health conditions. I’m going to be attending their cooking course (because I’m certainly not a female who ‘belongs in the kitchen’ due to the fact that my cooking skills are limited to buying one of those Quorn or ready-made veggie products, then putting vegetables and tinned potatoes with them). I can live off what I know but these ready prepared products have a lot of sugar/salt and various overloads of fat, which doesn’t help me trying to regain my former figure (or as near as possible because age isn’t helping).
In some respects, I am quite traditional and as a female, I think I should make an effort to at least try to live up to expectations of being a woman. Those that know me offline will be aware that I’m not like the average female. I don’t feel the need to wear makeup and dress up all the time. I don’t have many interests that are girly. I don’t like the bitchiness that girls do between each other, so I mainly have guy friends and the odd few women I am friends with have no time for that kind of behaviour either. I know that as females we naturally slip into that when we are annoyed with another woman, but I’m starting to grow out of it. I have the attitude now that it isn’t worth fighting over things because they just get bigger and bigger until things can’t be repaired. I have no time for it anymore. That is why I couldn’t wait for the case to be concluded because eventually I just wanted to walk away from all the hate and bitterness that I felt over everything. It is still there and it isn’t going to go away for a while yet, but without everything still happening and walking away completely, I can now put it to the back of my mind so that it can’t cause any further damage. I won’t ever understand certain things and neither will the other person involved etc. However, that doesn’t matter now. I just want peace after 3 years of disagreements over petty things and needless legal conflict. I’m tired. I cannot be bothered with it all. I used to care so much. But now I do not. That isn’t me being mean. I just have no desire to argue over pointless things anymore.
Anyway, back to my non-stop day (I am very easily distracted and went off on a tangent). I had my Maths class not long after the appointment above. I literally got brain ache because I go to lessons that are about 2 and a half hours. We do have a break, but my concentration and absorption of information span is only half an hour. There are no other options for classes that suit my availability. I tend to pick bits up that I need to learn in class and do little bits at home on a daily basis. After class, I had to pop over to probation to sort out appointment arrangements. The day is made longer when you’re relying on a bus because parking in the city for the entire day costs an arm and a leg even in the cheapest car parks. I was so glad to get home this evening but then had to go out again because I was expected at my Mums for dinner. I must have been rushing around more than concentrating because somehow Mister (cat) ended up outside when I thought he was inside my flat when I went out. I came home to find him running up to me to greet me and asking me to let him in. He’s fine now as he’s worn himself out and has fallen asleep on my bed. I am fed up with my Mother going through my things when I’m not looking. She has always done it and I’ve always expressed my annoyance in regards to her invading my privacy. I keep private things in my purse. I found out that when I asked her to feed my cats the other day (because I was unable to due to where I was), she took that opportunity to snoop through my diary. It was just my appointments diary, but that was still unacceptable to me. This is exactly what I got back when I was living at home. I would go out and do things and I’d come back to find that she had gone through all my private things and read things that I didn’t want anyone to read (e.g. my diary full of my personal thoughts that I hadn’t shared with anybody). That is why I could never live there again. She is a constant source of stress in my life to the point where my nails and hair snaps with the stress. I’m forced to have her listed as a carer when in reality the opposite is true, she makes my issues. I’m stuck in that terrible situation.
I’m not looking forward to my medical appointment tomorrow. I can’t stand tests. I’m absolutely fed up of being tested due to ongoing medical problems. I feel terrible most of the time and being tested for things over and over again is driving me crazy. I don’t particularly want to know the results anyway. I just have a feeling that they won’t be good news. I’ve pushed myself to the limit in regards to painkiller abuse and I’m not a fool, I can feel the damage and the effects. I know that they cause me to swell up but they are the only things that help me get through life at the moment and also for many years on and off since I was a teenager.