I am aware that I have been quieter than normal online for the last couple of days. I undeniably need some time to myself in order to get over the trauma of the previous few days. I am endeavoring to steer clear of conversing with others at this moment in time. The main concern is being unable to trust others. I don’t feel that I can do that after my experiences. I want absolutely nothing to do with people now. I know that others think I’m an awful person but I feel betrayed too. I don’t appreciate being talked about to everyone someone knows behind my back for the last few years… and getting judged from those disclosures. I won’t be discussing my private issues with ANYONE ever again. I feel safer not being honest with people about my life because of the assumptions that have been made about me. I fully accept that others don’t understand aspects of my co-morbid disabilities, but I feel that the way I’ve been treated is just cruel. I’ve been punished for the wrongs that I’ve done due to my disability (eg. not being able to understand or see others point of view) several times over. I just need support and understanding… but I know that I’ll never get that from another person. I will just keep getting a load of accusations and assumptions launched at me every single time. I have met many older people with a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome and/or related things. They’ve become extremely private and secretive because they’ve decided that this was the only way to ‘blend in’ and ‘be accepted’.
It’s so difficult for me not to be the open person that I’ve always been, but I need to protect myself from the judgments and assumptions made by others who just cannot understand me. I can see how they came to be extremely private and secretive because they probably lost a lot of people they liked as a younger person too. I can disguise my Aspergers and learning disabilities most of the time. That is what I want to do from now on. If I want to be friends with anyone or even more (although I’m not really at that point in my life yet), then I’m not going to disclose my diagnosis to them. I want them to get to know me without comparing me to what they’ve heard or read about my conditions. I am not a textbook. I am a person and the only way to show that is to not disclose anything too early into a friendship/relationship. There is also a few things in regards to my background and experiences in life that others will find hard to accept so they won’t be told those things until I know that it is the right time. I’ve never been good at timing, but I think maybe about 5 years. If they like me then it’s harder for them to walk away after that period of time. 10 years at the most depending on the opinions and views the potential friend expresses. Then there are things I just won’t ever tell any friends or even the person that I may end up being romantically linked with (there is no one yet, just a hypothetical here). If it’s happened in my past then it’s no one’s business that I may meet in the future.
I am quite traumatised after my time in the cell. I had a meltdown because I can’t stand small spaces. I had to stay there for 24 hours due to the courts being that busy. Even when I got to the court cells, my hearing wasn’t until mid-afternoon when it was booked in for the morning session. They normally hear the custody cases first. This may prove my point about the fact that I have seen proof when I was a teenager that there are conviction targets in this area. The courts are full because they are literally shoving every single situation through them. There were people I saw going in and out of those cells that shouldn’t have been there. I didn’t know what they’d done, but there was one woman that seemed like she had learning disabilities or some form of mental health issue. she was obviously a regular custody case because the guards seemed to know her very well. She had to be given medication. There should be other avenues for people like that. The same as there should be in my case.