I’m exhausted from the last few days events. I did not get away with anything. I have to attend probation and be treated quite harshly at times on rehabilitation of offenders programme. That may sound easy to those that haven’t experienced them. I’ve not personally experienced one yet, but I’m due to be having my first session next week. The things I’ve heard are quite severe and if nothing else, I’ll surely have a thick skin by the end of it. Then I’m hoping that I don’t get locked up for missing appointments. I rang up this morning to discuss the appointment I was given after the hearing yesterday. I can go, however, I have a medical appointment that is in a town about 40 minutes drive from the town I have the probation group appointment in. The travelling time would mean I had to leave 10 minutes earlier than the specified group time. The person I spoke to told me that I hadn’t been entered onto the system because it takes approximately a week to been processed from the court to the probation system. I could be arrested and have to do my suspended sentence if someone messes the appointments up. I explained that this was a main concern. Apparently, I’ll get an official letter stating that I have to be at this group to be signed onto the system (eg. assigned a worker and a plan of action made) which won’t get sent to me until after my details are processed (which according to the person on the phone would be Thursday next week at the earliest). I’m going to ring up Monday next week to confirm that this is correct again because I have never been on this system and one mistake could result in me having to go through a sentence that I know that I can’t mentally stand. The person told me to ignore the date and time on the letter that I got at court and await an appointment through the post. That doesn’t seem logical to me, why give pieces of paper out with appointments on that aren’t actually for the person? I was told that if I turned up to this appointment on that document I was given at court, then they wouldn’t have me on the system anyway.
The one thing that intensely stands out as one of my issues to me, is how needy and stressed I get when others upset me. I’m trying to become more laid back and have a ‘whatever’ do what you like mode, but it’s hard when I’m the type of person that cares so much. There will never be a time when others see that as caring, only annoying or indeed weird.
I’m starting to get more chilled. I think that is something that comes with age though because I’m getting more wisdom from mistakes (taken longer for me than many others). I already decided to just walk away and let the other person involved have exactly what they wanted. I have no desire to fight anyone. I only want peace because all this upheaval with proceedings etc has taken its toll on me. I don’t hate anyone due to knowing that sometimes it is impossible to know the reality of someone else’s view. I just need some stability and the ability to move on with my life. I wish that I belonged somewhere. That is all I am looking for when people continue to push me away. I was just begging for someone to love me for who I am unconditionally because I am never going to be completely ‘normal’ due to the affects of Asperger Syndrome and borderline learning disabilities (here, this is exactly what I am diagnosed with… I wouldn’t say it normally on here, but I want others to understand at some point). If you’ve met a person with straightforward Aspergers… it isn’t the same as someone who has learning disabilities mixed into the condition.
I have been written off by many professionals because the learning disabilities that I have associated with my my diagnosis. If (and this is hypothetical at the moment) I wanted any more children I would have to make sure that I had a supportive, stable partner who had no past that child services could dig up because there is a guarantee that once they’ve taken your first they’ll be after any subsequent children. I’m not sure that I want any more children for that reason. They will try to make you fail and put as much stress of you (as they did with my first son) to try to make you fail. I certainly won’t be having any more children in this area. Those that wanted my child for adoption bought up things that were irrelevant from my teen years. And this is how I found out about the lies that had been put on file. The council here are getting money for me from the section 117 aftercare that I am still on and haven’t been discharged from. However, they aren’t giving me any services now. I can’t access them back and I’ve tried so hard to do that. I’m going to ask to be taken off and they cannot try to say that I’m not ‘well enough’ to be taken off when they’ve provided no services for me anyway. They can’t have it both ways, they either provide services to promote change or take me off a something that they’re getting money to do. I’m absolutely fed up of being messed around at this point.
I now have to have a lot of the length of my hair cut off because of the damage I did to it due to anxiety and stress while in the cells. I have spent months growing it and for once it was starting to look quite nice. The sides of my hair are absolutely ruined and the damage makes it look frizzy and horrible. have vitapoint on the lengths hoping that I can potentially keep the ends preserved enough so that the damaged ends don’t split upwards anymore before I have them trimmed (and that could be a while because my hairdresser is currently on holiday).
I never got to my appointment for donating my eggs because it was set for the date that I ended up in court. However, I am going to rearrange it because I am still very much up for doing it. I have emailed them today to rearrange the appointment apologising that I couldn’t contact them sooner. I have so many appointments and classes (maths) next week already, but luckily a lot are in the same locality so I can work my schedule to run smoothly. I need to know what I’m doing because I need to let others know my availability. I may have to work in a charity shop or something as part of my 20 days unpaid work. I know that this will be one day a week. I think that I’m going to have to collect phone numbers and get over my phone phobia completely else I’m never going to balance everything.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 