I realised tonight that I do not want to keep going with education. It doesn’t make me satisfied and I constantly feel stressed out trying to make a grade that could be impossible for me due to my learning disabilities associated with my Asperger Syndrome. If I wasn’t so exhausted all the time I probably wouldn’t be in this frame of mind. I am going to attempt to stick it out until Christmas. I am then going to make my final decision. I will have done one Maths exam by then and have that is also the deadline for my law GCSE exam booking. I’m not sure if I want to go any further. I’m quite stubborn in regards to accepting my limitations. I’ve always wanted to work and not rely on benefits all my life.
I realise now that I can’t push myself into a world where I genuinely don’t belong. If I hadn’t tried to go to University, I wouldn’t be in my current position because of my social limitations. I wouldn’t have opened myself to that ridicule and judgment. I’m starting to come to terms with my own limitations and am slowly accepting that I’ll never work because I do not have the social abilities to enable me to work. I don’t have the energy anymore either. I am living my life like a reclusive little old lady already. It’s not just my experiences of the education system that has put me… it is also how tired I am all the time and the annoying memory loss I’m experiencing. It’s going to make those goals extremely challenging, if not impossible.
I also hate the world that we live in. I feel everything so very deeply and it makes going out into the outside world quite hard to handle. I’d rather stay in and snooze with my cats (I have Mimi laid beside me while I’m typing this entry). I don’t have the brains and I have been kidding myself all this time thinking that I did have the ability. I know that I’m not intelligent enough to get the education now and that is never going to change.