Depression :(

I am completely suffering right now. This is why I’ve been trying to express how I cannot bear to be put through a case that I do not deserve. I am not mad and have been accused of things I didn’t actually have any intent on doing. I do not like how I have been spoken about behind my back to groups of people that assume they know me. When they absolutely do not… and we could never be friends after finding out that I’ve been the topic of gossip since I met the other person involved in the case. I needed a friend when I met them. Instead, I got someone who didn’t care what they did to me, as long as they were ‘earning money’. Both the other person and their friends are as bad as each other. I’ve had friends of mine make assumptions about the other person involved but I’ve disagreed with them and told them not to talk bad about them.

Groups of people always egg each other on to form opinions about others. And, in my case, I’ve been judged unfairly and I will get punished again by the courts for a case based on assumptions and interpretations from others who don’t understand my disability. There was never going to be a way of ‘punishing me out of my negative disability traits’. Those that even think that do not have a clue about my diagnosis or the trauma that I’ve been through in my life to have certain things etched into me. I have flashbacks associated with what the people that have done this to me this time are pushing me to go through again. I cannot do that again. I’m petrified of police cells and courts and it only makes my negative disability traits harder to control. I need understanding, not sanctions. That is all this area has ever done. I didn’t get treated in this manner in other areas because they didn’t sanction, but instead, negotiated and showed understanding. If I hadn’t got desperate for some kind of understanding then I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide. 

I am just about managing to have a bath per day. I left my hair to get matted before washing it. It’s just a lot of effort when you feel so down. I have wanted to cry half of the week. And, quite frankly, my hair is so thick that it is an effort to work with under any circumstances. I have such a messy flat because I haven’t done a lot in it for a while. The place is in need of sorting out, but I’m always tired due to being so down. I didn’t go the Gym this week. I’ve barely been out the last two days. I haven’t felt like it. I can’t face any form of exercise, however, I did still manage to lose 2lbs this week. It yo-yo’s though, so what I gain one week, I lose another week and visa versa. I don’t think I’ll ever consistently start going down. The week I went the Gym, I seemed to gain weight.    

I’ve never felt this down in my life. I feel so let down and punished for things that I don’t deserve. I can’t make others understand my disability, so I’m made to suffer. I have to put up with others making me out to be mad or bad. And, I can’t take it anymore because I know that I’m not. I’m not delusional because I know how it is… but I wish it wasn’t the way it is. I wish that I’d never been honest to others so that I’d protected myself from judgment and ridicule. I was too young and as dumb as a plank to realise that if you want to keep someone you like as a friend, you don’t tell them anything that can be seen as negative about yourself. And, you certainly don’t mistake love feelings for just caring about another. I wasn’t experienced enough to know and I misled others by thinking I loved them. 

Love is a positive thing, however, it can put the fear of sh*t up someone else if you proclaim your love to them a few weeks after meeting them. I felt something, but it certainly wasn’t love. I should have chilled out a bit. Until recently, I was always on edge. Now I’m too tired to have the energy to be constantly on guard and depression is making me care about nothing. I don’t even want to be alive anymore. I keep abusing painkillers hoping that they’ll just release me from my living hell. I despise each day of my existence. The cats make it better, but I wake up every morning disappointed and stressed that I have to get through another day. I’m not the only one to fall into addiction problems in my family. A few days ago we lost a member of our family that was only in their late 40s due to alcohol and drug addiction. It’s a battle that sometimes can’t be won. There are times when you no longer want to win that battle. The point where you’ve decided that it’s completely over. The pain of living in a world where no one understands you is just far too much. You’re always going to be rejected and treated negatively because of there being no understanding and everything that people do just make it worse. I’m just too tired to fight. I have no desire to battle other people and their opinions because I know that I can never get them to understand due to the fact that they can’t relate. I don’t want to come off of the painkillers, they are the only thing that gets me through life now. The only way that I can stand each day of an existence that I cannot stand. I hate everything about myself. I’ve never felt this bad in my entire life. I used to have hope that life would improve, but I no longer do. I’d rather the painkillers ended my life than have to go to court. I’d choose death over that psychological trauma. The irony here is that I take the painkillers to dull the psychological trauma of my past. I just want to stay numb so that no one can ever hurt me again.