I’d like to briefly touch on the subject of Psychology today. I haven’t got a lot of time to go into detail because I’m literally here, there and everywhere today. I have no idea why, but the font seems to be different because I’m at the library computer, not my home laptop. I haven’t logged onto my laptop today because I have too much to do and it is distracting. I know that I’ll sit down and end up having a conversation with someone… leading to getting absolutely nothing done. That is the worse thing about modern technology. I’m not easily distracted, but it depends what pops up on the screen.
Anyway, let’s get onto today’s subject. It’s one that I am hoping to get into at degree level (but still need a lot of things before I get there). I’ve actually been told several times by various people that I’d definitely get a job in Psychology if I had my degree due to my knowledge. I don’t want to go too far into the situation that I am in. But, I firmly get the impression that the other person involved developed an irrational fear of me. It wasn’t all my fault despite the fact that I’m getting blamed. I am an understanding person when it comes to other people’s issues. It’s quite hurtful that they refuse to understand mine. I could potentially ‘cure’ the other person of their ‘phobia’ of me. My OCD traits could be described as a form of ‘flooding’ therapy. That didn’t work. And anyway, that wasn’t helping my issues. I could use a type of distance desensitisation therapy. This is gradually exposing who I am as a person at a distance. But this would mean letting my barriers down on online videos etc. That is something I wouldn’t want some people I’ve met to watch. There’s CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) – (something that isn’t easy for me due to my diagnosis) where I could teach other people to think ‘differently’ about my behaviours that they do not like by replacing what they see as unpleasant with a thought of something that they like. I’m not a huge fan of CBT and there are many that aren’t. It is only widely available because it is the ‘cheapest’ and that says everything about exactly why this is the only form of therapy option that we have in this area. There are many forms of therapy out there and a lot of severely mentally ill people literally spend their lives trying them all. I’m a therapy skeptic (mostly due to my own experiences). The industry (both nhs and private) make a huge amount of money out of placing labels on people and treating them according to the label). I’m not an idiot, I know how these things work. I have been put through absolutely soul destroying therapy when all I’ve ever truly needed was a friend.
I’ve had other females who were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder be really awful to me. They didn’t keep anything to themselves, they tried to get me into trouble by releasing my personal information in regards to what was going on outside of college while I was doing my GCSEs. They also have a tendency to get extremely jealous. I have no idea why anyone would be jealous of me. There is another really significant thing about females with Borderline Personality Disorder (and please note that I am not diagnosing anyone here and please don’t label me while I’m discussing this) is the fact that they always single someone out in a negative way. That girl did that to me and I’d only just met her. They are irrational in their thinking towards the other person. They get convinced that evil resides in the other person and simply will not trust them. It is completely in their heads 9 times out of 10. The odd handful of people they meet are evil and don’t care what they do to others. I am only diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but I think that the trauma I’ve been through in my past has induced some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder in me. It is extremely challenging for anyone with a personality disorder to get on well with someone who also has a form of personality disorder. And then there is my mum who will not do anything but what she wants to the point where she makes me eat meat for Sunday dinner despite the fact that I’m not comfortable with it.
In the situation that I’m in at the moment, it is more difficult because I genuinely don’t get why my it’s so wrong to do or say certain things. It’s not going to ‘make a person understand’ by punishing them because they just get more upset and see it as unfair. I don’t see why I should have to suffer (and have my issues made worse) due to someone else’s issues. I know things, I feel things… sometimes I don’t need to be be told that this is the way it is. I’ve known it’s not just me for a long time. It’s even harder to walk away and let them proceed in what they want because I still care. I understand more than they’ll ever know. I know that I’d be able to help them if they’d let me in… maybe not now but in the future, when I’m officially trained when I have my degree. I’ll do it for free because after everything that has happened, I’d like to help. Okay, I know I’m a screw up myself, but I’m still very young and inexperienced. I’m trying my best to deal with my own issues, but what they’ve placed on me has completely destroyed me. I don’t trust anyone and no longer go out socially (walking, college and gym is not a social thing). I can’t accept being treated that way because of someone else’s issues that intuitively I can literally feel. That is also why I can’t face the court stuff. I feel everything and that really upsets me. I don’t want to be in courts anymore because that has dragged me back to the past mentally and set everything off for me again.They have no idea how much damage they caused me and they’ve never listened when I tried to tell them. It’s annoying because I try to be understanding to others, but they won’t understand me.