Thinking… seriously…

Thanks so much everyone who suddenly managed to get this blog to technically start going ‘viral’. There have been nearly 3000 views today. That hasn’t happened ever since I’ve been running this blog… it’s like… wow…. all these years I’ve been trying to start to break through and suddenly the tidal wave just bursts through those iron gates. I can only express my utter gratitude to all those that have helped me with the PR of the awareness, understanding and acceptance message recently. I appreciate it so much! It’s totally amazing to finally start to be ‘heard’.  I’m still stunned. A few days ago the blog was only getting approximately 100 something hits per day. 

I’m not trying to self-promote here. That’s not what this blog was set up to do. However, I have been seriously thinking over the last couple of days about auditioning for Britains got talent or x-factor in the next season. I’m not sure how to use the settings on this new host yet. I could upload a clip of me singing (I assure you it’s not the worse or I wouldn’t be prepared to do it) to get some form of following. Promotion is all about giving the public a clip of what to expect next… then they’ll be waiting for it. I would like to sing ‘Jesus to a child’ by George Micheal. I like a lot of songs so it’s very hard to make a firm decision on that one. I think that my voice could ‘work’ with that song. I have a tendency to get overly emotional and nearly have tears coming out my eyes while singing songs that remind me of things or just spark some form of feelings within me. It’s important to have that emotion there, but balance it out so that you don’t end up in floods of tears by the end of the song. 

This is something that I’ve found harder since I had my son. I feel so much more than I used to. It’s torture when you can feel other people’s pain both emotionally and sometimes physically (that is weird). I cry at absolutely anything! There is no guarantee that I’ll get to the TV auditions. I nearly got through the first round in 2014 but my nerves were something I don’t think they liked. I was literally noticeably shaking like a leaf. This was in 2014 (had just started university at that point and had the day off of my shorthand lesson to go to the audition in Birmingham). If I manage to pull off the numerous stages you go through to get onto the television (but we aren’t allowed to talk about those stages that don’t include the celebrity judges, only producers, and music industry professionals), I want to be able to get the audience to actually feel my message and what I stand for. That is hard to portray in the songs that you perform, but that is what sets plain singers and inspirational singers apart. If they can portray the message of the song and literally get the audience both in the studio and at home to feel what you’re singing about and the emotion within the song… then that sets them apart. I’ve not sung since the whole university things happened. I did say that I was deeply affected by everything. I don’t want to go on there as ‘just another singer’… I want to be a voice that opens up the lives of vulnerable adults with conditions similar to mine across the UK.

It’s hard to walk out there and give it all I’ve got now I’ve lost the person that meant a lot to me, but I have to do it. If I get famous at any point… they don’t get to change their mind and decide I’m worth knowing because I’m not going to let them. The whole situation was a misunderstanding caused by my autism OCD traits and lack of understanding on the other person’s part. After putting me through all that they have and leaving a court case pending on my head which they refuse or deny that they can withdraw them. They don’t get to change their mind if I become ‘famous’. They weren’t there when I needed them and really hurt me beyond repair by their actions. They made a choice when I was lost and in their eyes ‘not good enough’.