My feelings aren’t about anyone else.

The way I feel is not about anyone else. I have a right to express my feelings. It’s nothing about the other person that was involved. I have been severely punished for something I didn’t do on purpose. It is causing me extreme emotional distress and has done since I got kicked out of university. Others aren’t seeing that… they’re selfishly just thinking it is all about the other person. I don’t think I should hide how I’m being affected so that others feel more comfortable and have no guilt for what they’ve put me through. I have a right to express how I feel without others laying into me. It’s not my fault that I cannot understand social rules. I may seem intelligent, but socially I am as thick as a plank of wood. If my behaviour problems had been premeditated then I would accept my punishment… but they aren’t. I genuinely do not have a clue what I should say and what I shouldn’t. I’m not a scary person, all I’ve ever longed for is some form of love. I was cold towards my own son because my mother never showed any affection for me and has aggression issues. I literally get stressed just going to visit her because her energy just oozes uptightness and bitterness. It makes me like that and I hate the thought of becoming that.  Those that have made comments regarding my mother issues have no idea how hurtful they are to me. The way she was when I was growing up and still is right now constantly makes me want to find someone else. I would never necessarily want them to be my Mum because that wouldn’t be helpful. I’d get really angry at them because I’d always think of how my biological mum was towards me. It’s not just me who is affected by her, my half-sister (share the same mother) told me via text that she felt unloved by mum as well because of how she’s always been and both my sisters are a lot older than me.

I have a right to express how I feel without others laying into me. It’s not my fault that I cannot understand social rules. I may seem intelligent, but socially I am as thick as a plank of wood. If my behaviour problems had been premeditated then I would accept my punishment… but they aren’t. I genuinely do not have a clue what I should say and what I shouldn’t. I’m not a scary person, all I’ve ever longed for is some form of love. 

I was cold towards my own son because my mother never showed any affection for me and has aggression issues. I literally get stressed just going to visit her because her energy just oozes uptightness and bitterness. It makes me like that and I hate the thought of becoming that.  Those that have made comments regarding my mother issues have no idea how hurtful they are to me. The way she was when I was growing up and still is right now constantly makes me want to find someone else. I would never necessarily want them to be my Mum because that wouldn’t be helpful. I’d get really angry at them because I’d always think of how my biological mum was towards me. It’s not just me who is affected by her, my half-sister (share the same mother) told me via text that she felt unloved by mum as well because of how she’s always been and both my sisters are a lot older than me. I don’t want to go into my sisters’ issues on here but they revolve around an addiction to alcohol etc. It’s easier for them because they don’t have a disability. I get pushed towards having something to do with my mum because the local authority insists that you have a carer/next of kin name on file. I do not have a partner or whatever so I have no choice but to put her name down. If I had a partner then it would definitely be their name I put down rather than hers. And that is why I am deeply affected when others mention my mum issues etc. I have suffered mental trauma over the years because of how she is. I do not hate anyone and am not a threat but I will react to certain comments. The comments that have been made to me recently have really hurt me. 

I never meant to upset anyone. I’m just constantly clumsy and inexperienced when socialising. I have faked being more intelligent than I am to impress those that I have liked. This has gone against me because they do not believe that I have disability traits and that my behaviour is intentional. I am quite a stubborn person… this is most likely obvious when I’ve dug my heels in. I don’t like to feel autistic/aspergers. I try to have a normal life because the alternative is something that would frustrate me. I don’t let my other health problems beat me either. I felt dizzy on my walk and sometimes it makes me nearly fall over, however, I refused to go home because I was determined to finish my walking route. I became resilient because I had epilepsy as a child… I managed to grow out of it, so, therefore, I see that I won that one. 

I just wish that others would understand. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have repeated what I was told or saw… but I’m naive when it comes to that kind of thing. I will just repeat things without thinking unless someone specifically tells me that is not to be repeated to anybody. If anyone cared about me and how it was affecting me, then they wouldn’t be taking the actions that they are against me and have also taken against me in the past. I am deeply affected by everything that has happened. I get extremely traumatised. It’s not all about one side. I’m affected too. I got to the point where I was that sick of everything that I just wanted to end my life. I’ve gone back on the painkillers, which isn’t the best idea, but it masks the pain that I feel over everything. It’s hard going to sleep every night thinking that no one cares and only want rid of you. I’m probably not going to live that long anyway, so the potential damage by painkillers doesn’t matter. I know that no one is going to fair and always see things distortedly. I am like a child. I don’t have an adult brain. I still feel like I have the brain of a teenager.  I still get told that I look like a teenager too, even more so when I have lost weight (and don’t even go there with the weight thing because I just can’t lose weight right now).

I don’t feel very well at the moment. I haven’t felt great for a while. It’s not down to painkillers. I wish for some compassion and help rather than others laying into me. I mean no one any harm. I’m trying to make people see that. I don’t want to go through any of this anymore. I’m not an awful person. I feel absolutely everything around me and that is so tiring. It’s so difficult being constantly connected to everything. Everything is meant to be, and soon that will become apparent. I have compassion for others naturally. I can’t watch another suffering without it deeply affecting me. I’m emotional because of that. I can literally feel the hate directed at me and it’s an awful feeling.