Why the hell should I be understanding anymore?

I don’t see why I should be the one understanding others. Absolutely no one tries to understand me. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Others may assume that they do not hurt me severely with their actions, but they do more than I can ever explain. I am the way I am because of how others have always treated me. I learned to build my walls up and lay into people at every betrayal they gave me. I’m not a bully. I’m a person who has had enough of the sh*tty ways that others treat me. I do not have a bad character. I’m not the nicest person in the world, but I’m not as cruel as I’ve been made out to be either. I’m sorry if I’m not a warm person. I’m cold because of how I’ve had to be growing up. I don’t know why I have to pretend to be all sweetness and light… no one is like that. We all have ugly sides. I try to make an effort to understand all aspects of a person but sometimes I think what is the point when no one wants to attempt to understand me enough to not put me through what I don’t deserve. There are some people that don’t see anything you do as a sweet sentiment when you try to be nice, instead, they convert it all into something bad. I care more than I have the ability to show. But, I have to be completely numbed and cold because otherwise I feel too much and get overwhelmed.

I grew up with a mother who was and still is emotionally cold. That is all I’ve ever known. Emotionally, she is about as loving as a cardboard box. I still feel that this is why I couldn’t feel a Motherly bond with my son. It just wasn’t there. But, I still didn’t want anyone else to take him for adoption. I hope he does have the love that he would never get from his birth family. That is why I feel that it’s best that I give my eggs away. I’ve thought about it for a long time. I remember looking at an advert three/four years ago and wondering whether I should do it. I won’t have to look after them. I’d consider being a surrogate if I was allowed, but I can’t due to having a child adopted. I also remember how painful childbirth is and how it nearly killed me the first time around. It was a bad experience and it would put anyone off of that process for life. I find it difficult to be around women with children after what happened with my son. I’ve even cut off some family (and pre-babies we used to be quite close). I know that other women would appreciate the use of my eggs so that they can have their much-wanted children. It is quite freaky to think that you could potentially donate and bump into a fully grown adult that was produced with one of your eggs twenty years later. But, it’s ok because unlike sperm donors, egg donors don’t have the option to allow potential offspring from getting in contact. Then there is another implication that I have to consider. There are many age gap relationships nowadays. If I donated later this year or even in a year or so, my son will be approximately 8/9 years older if the eggs are used straight away. I know that he was adopted into this area. The potential of meeting any female offspring that is technically his half/step-sister biologically is slim but possible. 

I find it difficult to be around women with children after what happened with my son. I’ve even cut off some family (and pre-babies we used to be quite close). I know that other women would appreciate the use of my eggs so that they can have their much-wanted children. It is quite freaky to think that you could potentially donate and bump into a fully grown adult that was produced with one of your eggs twenty years later. But, it’s ok because unlike sperm donors, egg donors don’t have the option to allow potential offspring from getting in contact. Then there is another implication that I have to consider. There are many age gap relationships nowadays. If I donated later this year or even in a year or so, my son will be approximately 8/9 years older if the eggs are used straight away. I know that he was adopted into this area. The potential of meeting any female offspring that is technically his half/step-sister biologically is slim but possible. But, the same could be said when guys donate sperm and they wonder why there is a rise in severe developmental disabilities. I am Autistic, but I’m quite sure that my parents aren’t related. There’s so much to consider, but I still want to go for it. There are risks but I don’t want to focus on those. It is a painful process, but I don’t want to think of that either. There are injections that you have to give yourself to enhance egg production, but they teach you how to do that. I had so many needles in me due to health problems as a child, that I  have no fear whatsoever. The side effects are bloatedness, moodiness, cramping, aching, headaches, nausea and etc. I get these anyway every time it’s time of the month for me anyway. It’s nothing new to me. I know that I can deal with all that because it’s been one of those really irritating things in my life since I entered puberty and beyond. I will do it to reset karma because maybe I deserve the pain and side effects. Others will be benefiting from this too. I am also going to give blood at some point (if I can do both).

I got upset earlier when Dave (the cat) snapped at me. He does it all the time. He’s happy one minute and then suddenly his wild streak comes through. I just think that sometimes it’s a waste of time trying to understand because I will never see the reason he does this. I know that he probably is half wild in nature because he has features of a Scottish wildcat, however, he must have had a tabby cat as a Mother (he was bred on a farm). He looks like a massive tabby with extra features. I try to understand, but I don’t see the point sometimes because he can be really vicious at times. I’m trying my absolute best to try to understand why one minute he likes being fussed and then the next he grabs hold of me and hisses. I put him outside earlier for it. And now he’s come back in and fell asleep. I got really put out because I am getting fed up of being understanding and no one is understanding towards me. He snores like a mini tiger too. He goes for my cats too which they don’t retaliate very well to, because there is normally a ‘slap fight with claws’. Dave likes it here now due to the fact that he comes to the car to meet me meowing when I get home. I’ve grown attached to him but it wasn’t supposed to be ‘long-term’. I can’t keep him forever. I am tempted to put him on a rehoming list. I am just afraid that no one will put up with his aggressive wild side. He’s not a young cat (approximately 6 years old), so people may be put off by that too. 

I need to go because I’m very tired and have to get up for my college class. It’s half two in the morning and I’m falling asleep typing. If others understood me, then they wouldn’t treat me so harshly. I deserve everything dropped. I am already heartbroken over the person I most wanted to be friends with more than ever. I get blamed for everything that wasn’t my fault. I specifically said that I didn’t want anyone punished. I can’t go into it, but they have been. The process of dragging me through court isn’t going to change that. It’s only going to make feelings more raw and irrational. I honestly need others to realise that it’s not my fault that I don’t have the skills and think like a child. I’m really naive and extremely bad at being assertive. I was crying out for love in the only way I’ve ever known. I don’t even need looking after, I can do that…but emotionally I feel that I will never mean anything to anyone, even though I give so much to others. I don’t think that I can get over being treated so coldly.