Feeling upset

I’m on the bus. I decided to try to walk as far as possible to college, however, it was much more challenging than I thought. I got to desford crossroads (nearly two hour walk away from me). I wasn’t going to be able to make it for my lesson if I hadnt caught the bus at this time. I didn’t think I’d make all the way from my house to the local city. It would have been extremely impressive if I had. It’s not designed for walking down that road at all. The amount of grass verges I had to walk over to get to where I was trying to go slowed me down a vast amount. And, they were a little wet so my feet are now damp. I woke up and had the urge to do it so I attempted it.

I hate exercise but the weight gain is really getting me down and anything I can do to lose the fat around my middle is something I would try. I know that age causes weight gain and I hit 30 in a few weeks but it still doesn’t stop me despising it. And as people know, when I absolutely hate something… I’m extreme in showing it! I will exercise and starve myself if that is the only way to get down to a size 8 again. As they say, beauty is pain. I’m getting old and cranky. I won’t take no shit from anyone or be bullied by those that don’t understand my disability. If you’ve met a person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person! Not everyone is the same and those of us that weren’t diagnosed till an adult get shoved on the shelf and no body wants us. And due to the fact that I’m not one of the savant aspies, I’m not wanted. I actually have make up on today (which is rare now) because I didn’t want to look rough. I still do even with make up on. It’s very difficult to walk miles and not look a bit of a mess.

Anyway I’m upset because everyone (mainly one person) is too stubborn and cruel to even consider what I want in the future. I was never nasty intentionally. The other person has absolutely no ability emphasise whatsoever. If they did then they wouldn’t have done any of this. And I’m the one diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. I at least try to understand things that don’t seem logical due to the way I think. Those of us with this condition are trained socially but everyone else still does exactly whatever they want even if it’s downright cruel. I know that I can’t have what I want now but no one should say no to me forever. I’m already aging and losing my OCD. I cared so much that I literally was prepared to take mind altering medication ordered off the internet so that I’d be normal and those that I wanted didn’t reject me. It was the only way I could think of to be at an acceptable standard. I really don’t feel like going into college, I’m sitting in subway with tears welling up in my eyes over it. It hurts so much when others call me a bully. I was being assertive but I’m awful at it  and I was bullied at school so I learnt to basically wall others. I don’t even know why I give the impression that I am so open because I’m really not. I don’t feel like I can ever be myself because others have judged me when I’m not being myself. I’m bubbly and funny underneath but only a few get passed my face to face shyness. I know that the other person would like the real me, but it’s being truly able to open up. I’m not evil, that is just my mask because I’ve experienced so many painful things in my life. I was severely hurting when I met the other person anyway.  They were too impatient to see through that.