Not well / this may be my last blog entry.

This may be my last blog entry if I happen to get imprisoned tomorrow. So let’s make it a nothing left unsaid type thing. I may not make an ounce of sense because I’ve been really ill the whole day and barely slept because I started being extremely sick last night. I can’t keep food or drink down. Therefore, my mind is a bit unable to function due to the fact that I have stomach pains and I’m very hungry but can’t eat because it doesn’t stay down and because I can’t drink either I have a raging headache. This is what stress does to me. I react severely especially when I’m trying to put on a brave face. The truth is that I am absolutely terrified and do not feel that I can talk to anyone at the court about the whole situation tomorrow. I find it hurtful.

I know that nothing will get fixed. They’ll leave the indefinite restraining order on my name regardless of the truth surfacing. I don’t want to lose them forever. I didn’t make my mistakes on purpose, I had no idea and was completely failed by our none existent mental health care system. I know that everyone thinks I’m crazy because of the ‘gifts’ I have in regards to being able to feel/sense/dream things. However, feelings aside, I am very sure that me and the other person was supposed to meet. Since the first day I met them I have seen triple and double numbers e.g 777 or 1414 etc. There are other things that I cannot mention on a public blog. But, they are along the lines of information coinciding with both of our lives. Some information I shouldn’t have seen but a police officer left his screen open while talking to me about a troll I had gone to see them about and because the university was mentioned I gave their name as a potential suspect, so files were bought up. The other person lives in a cottage that is the same name as the close where I lived in a residential home (yes I was in care at one point). Then I got a £5 note with their initials and exact age on the serial code. Then to top it all off I walked out of Asda and a landrover with the number 555 on its plate drove passed me. 555 is a number that I have only recently been seeing and tonne quite honest I do not particularly like that number. I have heard it’s to do with major life changes.  I just fear that they will be bad ones. I saw 555 on a car number plate today in a nearby drive when I attempted to go for a walk but felt utterly awful so I gave up. I also saw 333 on a car number plate which drove passed me. I really don’t want to believe that there is something but I’ve tried to deny it for over two years. There are such a thing as karmic relationships. Souls can be linked and they are sent to interact in life to learn lessons that is part of our current life’s soul mission. I’ve never met another person where all the numbers and other occurrences have happened. There’s got to be a reason that we met and that’s why I don’t want to never be able to get to know them as a friend. May be our missing pieces are within each other and there is a reason we have to discover it.

As far as it being over and I can get on with my life if they do decide to spare me tomorrow. That’s not going to be as easy as others are implying. I am completely traumatised by everything that’s happened. I don’t go out socially anymore. It’s not over when I don’t want things to remain the same as they are indefinitely. I need hope that in the future we can be friends.  I need to know what all the things above are about and that is only going to happen if one day we were friends. There’s something that we aren’t aware of that is causing those signs.

In regards to signs of good fortune, I saw two magpies on the grass verge while I was walking this morning. They were sitting next to each other and then one flew onto a house roof. Hopefully it means what the omen says it means. I have seen one magpie many times when something disappointing or bad has occurred, so I do believe there is something in it. I also had a bird come in my flat window a while back which I know definitely isn’t a sign of good fortune. It normally means death will happen to someone in the house. Soon after that, my neighbour died. It wasn’t completely unexpected but as far as omens go that is quite freaky. 

On a positive note, I chucked the painkillers in the bin. I can’t take them anymore because if I had protein come out in urine tests 8 years ago, then I’ve probably made things even worse after taking them like sweets for all these years.

I’m very tired and shivering because I feel that cold. I can’t type much more because I need to try to sleep this sickness off. I keep waking up needing to be sick.

And while it’s brutal honesty time then I’m going to plainly point out that by not dropping the charges, it shows that the other person doesn’t care what they’re doing to me. I’m not guilty in the way that everyone thinks. I genuinely hadn’t a clue in regards to what I should have been told. I care about them and will always hate myself for hurting them accidentally by my lack of understanding and knowledge. Minus my OCD traits, I deserve a chance at some point in the future… but I know that they think I’m not good enough to ever be friends with them.

I really do need to go now because I’m feeling dizzy. The letters on the keyboard look like they’re jumping around. Goodnight and Goodbye if I get locked up tomorrow. Ugh, my brain is malfunctioning because I just tried to put rubbish in the washing machine. I think sleep is my only option right now… can’t do anything else.