I can not do tomorrow.

I know that I said the last blog entry was technically all I had to say, but I am too badly affected to turn up. I’m not trying to be obstructive. I’m not going out much at the moment in general. I’m traumatised enough without having to go to hear everything I know isn’t what I deserved. It wouldn’t have all occurred if people had just been honest with each other about what happened in the background. I have no malicious intent. I just want to be left alone. I’m giving the other person their wish now, even though it’s not what I want in the long term. It hurts me like I cannot even describe to deny what I want because I care about them. It’s not a strong skill of mine. I get very down when I’m trying to be nice but feel like my own needs will never be considered by others.

I have tried to talk the other side into some form of compromise but even then you can be accused of trying to do something malicious. In all honesty, though, I don’t feel that there is going to be a way forward unless there are compromises made because so far it hasn’t been successful as one side (the other side) has been constantly taking and I’m the one that has been told to pandering down and give up everything that I wanted for the other side. They absolutely refuse to make some form of compromise. I’m just asking for a way not to be put through tomorrow. I know that it’s not going to take 5 minutes for another person to make a decision that they want to be friends, but I do not deserve putting through a trial of evidence that is hurtful to me. If it wasn’t caused by my disability then I could emotionally cope with it but when it’s something that you cannot help, being punished for it and being subjected to quite painful accusations made by a prosecution who has no understanding of any autistic traits, then that is the type of experience that pushes a person to suicide. I don’t have family or even friends that I can rely on to stick up for me. I know a lot of people, but none close enough to really stick up for me because they don’t see the challenges I go through in private on a daily basis with my disability affects. As I said before even those with my diagnosis who I am friends with don’t have the exact same affects as me. I have extra on top due to my past and things that aren’t just down to my disability. I was technically already traumatised before this situation.

I don’t know what I can do because I’ve been open with the court about not being psychologically able to be involved in the court process. I have absolutely no ability to get hold of proof because my gp practice is so unhelpful. I can’t even answer a solicitors questions over it as a defence because it is too psychologically painful. I’ve been through enough and now I’m giving the other person what they want and I’m still being dragged through things that are going to cause me more psychological damage. I’ve been through enough in my life and most of those that know me doesn’t know most of those things due to the fact that I keep those things hidden away. I haven’t the capacity to go through anymore! I’m needing others to listen but they are refusing to see that I can’t deal with anymore. The fact that no one has listened all the way through means no one will now.