Decisions/parts of me that I find hard to live with.

Firstly, I have made the decision that I’m going to be brave and just attend the court on Monday. Maybe, this is what is meant to be. The only way that I can stop the situation carrying on is to turn up and tell the court what led to something that should have never happened. I’m absolutely petrified and it’s more stress than I can deal with right now. But, everything is meant to be… putting off the inevitable is only going to prolong the pain associated with those events. The worse that they can do is hurt my feelings or imprison me. I’ve not told any of my family about the court appearance and if I get imprisoned I’m going to have to ask for a phone call to get my cats and flat sorted. Of course, I do not want that to happen, but if it’s meant to be, then it will be. How do I know that that outcome is not my planned destiny? I had a strange dream the other night where I was taken to a massive building in handcuffs. That may be my fears coming into my subconscious, but I’ve always had precognitive dreams.  I wish that I could just go to the court today and face it because I happen to be feeling braver. If I’m given a date for something, my nerves build up. I’m a lot more confident spontaneously than I am with planned events. If things are decided at the last minute suddenly, there is no time to go through every potential scenario in your head. Anxiety makes the majority of those possible scenarios appear like they’re going to be negative experiences. I seem to be an anxiety fuelled person. That side of me really hasn’t helped my OCD behaviour issues. Anxiety plays on your innermost fears. eg. in my case, I have a deep fear of rejection and others thinking awful things about me. That hasn’t helped the situation. 

I was going to go the Gym this morning but woke up feeling far too ill. I could barely move without feeling sick. I still have a lot of housework to get through because I’ve felt so tired over the last couple of days. I’m trying to make a plan to return to the Gym every second day. I’m quite proud of myself that I went twice this week. It’s difficult getting to the Gym when you keep getting ill and then you lose that routine. I do desperately need to keep trying to work through illness because I am bursting out of the shirt that I’m wearing (it is a size 8). I had that splitting migraine two days ago and for the last two days, my ears have been bleeding. It’s quite difficult when the only person that could potentially help you feel better is the person you cannot see or speak to again because of how things panned out. 

The fact that I can feel things, dream things and sense things that are going to happen is actually an irritation to me. There are those that think that it must be really cool to be able to do that… it really isn’t and has always been some form of a curse for me. It affects relationships and makes you obsess about any thought that may cross your mind. The majority of thoughts are just everyday ones that don’t predict a thing, but it’s working that out and not being fearful. I had a dream the other night about the nuclear issue that is going on with North Korea and the USA. I felt my skin burning and creasing inwards. I know nothing about the destructive nature of nuclear weapons. I have no scientific knowledge of the damage that it could potentially do to human skin, but after that dream, I am afraid that those threats are very real and the chemicals released into the world will be catastrophic. I think that the North Korean leader potentially could be insane enough to carry out his threats and, as we all know, the current president of the USA is going to continue to goad him. These leaders need to remember that they aren’t playing with their toy soldiers etc. The weapons they’re planning to launch around are not toys. They will have deadly consequences for us all. The rich (which will include the president of the USA) have already built a nuclear protection bunker type device in America, it will be fine for them because they can escape there to get out of the way. If the USA president causes WW3, he and his family won’t have to worry because they’ve got an escape. It is most likely that North Korea has a similar bunker built so that the leaders can readily drop nuclear weapons everywhere and we suffer the consequences, not them. 

In relation to my ‘abilities’, I have freaked others out. I remember an experience in my early 20s. Someone was skeptical that I could see/sense things before they happened. I told them that I’d be prepared to prove it to them. With their permission, I read a whole situation in their life for them and it ended up panning out word for word how I had said that it would. Anyway, the person came to me in hysterics saying that I must be psychic or something because what had gone on was exactly how I said it would occur. They were upset because it wasn’t a pleasant set of circumstances that I had predicted for them. 

This is exactly why I stick to the codes that professional psychic readers use now. I don’t like upsetting others if I see bad events for them. I use a technique where I hint rather than completely give details of the exact things I’ve picked up. There was a time when I remember typing the exact words to the other person involved in my legal situation – ‘Please think carefully about pursuing a case against me because there will be no going back on these decisions any time in the future’. That was before the restraining order was made originally quite early on in the case. Okay, I made it worse by not waiting until the first order had expired to try to make amends (that would have been finished in October of this year). I couldn’t help it at the time though because I’m not the same person as I am now. I’ve developed patience now, which is a skill that I never used to have. I believe that a lot of what got me into trouble are in fact skills that come with age. 

I think that is a huge reason why the younger generation is more likely to be the ones going in and out of court because the skills they need to ‘not get into trouble’ haven’t developed because of lack of maturity. I also believe that as soon as we discover the world around us, this reality is difficult to adapt to for a lot of young people. I’ve always been rather open about things in my younger years. I now regret being open because we are born into a cruel callous world full of extremely nasty people. We are taught to be suspicious of one another and to reject everything at face value in case it’s a danger to us. I’m as genuine as a person can come. I have no hidden agendas, but I am difficult for others to understand. 

There are things that even I will clam up about, despite being somewhat open in most cases. I’m very guarded about certain aspects of my life and will not answer questions in relation to those parts. An example of this would be when someone asked me about which way I swing in regards to sexuality. I do not feel that this is anyone’s business but my own. I do not agree with this societies excessive need to apply labels to everything and everyone. Humans were never designed to fit into certain boxes. In relation to the question above, even those that are just friends do not get to know the answer. I believe that kind of thing is somewhat fluid. It is all down to who you meet, not whether they are male or female. There are many factors that come into play. It’s not just the sex of that person. But, I still won’t answer that question regardless of how many times I’m asked by others. As I stated, if you’re just a friend then there is no need for you to know because we’re not going to be getting intimate at all in that capacity.