I didn’t manage to get back to sleep and also been for a 2-hour walk this morning. I feel terrible and will be going for a nap at some point. I know that I can’t take what I’m being pushed into having to go through, but no one is listening. I know that all they want to do is put me into prison. But, I also can’t take the prosecution’s evidence. It’s hurtful because it’s full of completely untrue assumptions. I don’t even want to consider what the new charges are that were added. I had the right to know the truth and it was their ‘friend’ that pushed me over the edge to even consider taking my own life. There is nothing that was entirely my fault. I still feel extremely humiliated though. It would have just been so much easier if things had come out years ago. It certainly wouldn’t be me about to go to prison next week. I honestly don’t think I’ll be stepping out of that court on Monday morning. I’m not even going to dress smartly because I know I’m destined for prison and if I do get out there then I have college straight afterward. That is providing that I can get through the door and stand to hear all that psychologically damaging accusations.
The courts are treating me like I’m purposefully trying to avoid it. I’m not, and when I’m in full blown anxiety, I will literally go into full panic mode and most likely do something I will probably regret. e.g. start screaming at them. It’s how I get when I’m overwhelmed. I go into them a lot when I’m under stress. This is stress that I don’t need to be under because I’ll gladly walk away at this point due to the fact that I just want peace. I just want my life back and with this situation going back and forth, that is something that I can’t do. I really need to settle down because that is what is important to me at this point in my life. It didn’t use to be a priority, especially back then. I could happily stay in my flat for 5 years or more right now and never go out. I just want to be on my own away from all those that could potentially hurt me. I don’t want to fight anyone. That is something that I never wanted to do. I was pushed into the situation and then I caught feelings (which don’t help). I still care but no longer have feelings so I can walk away now. I miss the other person, but I can live without the prospect of ever speaking to them or seeing them again. They’ll never forgive me anyway because it doesn’t matter if I did it by accident, I’m being treated like I did it on purpose and the other person must hate me to allow me to be treated this way. I wish that I could fix it, but there is no way of doing that. And, I absolutely hate myself for being such a fool.
I have so much housework to do. However, I’m going for a nap first because I’ve been awake since midnight last night. It’s now nearly 12 midday. It feels like the evening to me. We all trust each other even less now terrorists are striking more and more. They have done another attack today. I do not like the modern world. I am one of the few that doesn’t feel unsafe unless I happened to be in a place where something occurs. I’d most likely try to hide away or run away from something as soon as I noticed it. I don’t want to upset anyone that may have been either caught up in it or had family members in the London tube today. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the painful separation I’m going through with the situation above from a person I truly cared about and also losing my son to adoption. We really have no idea why this is the case. I wouldn’t have considered donating my eggs unless I’d lost my son to adoption. It wouldn’t even have had an interest if I’d never had my son. It really opened my eyes to those that couldn’t have their own children when my son was adopted. Okay, it wasn’t what I wanted at all. But, I realised how awful it must be for them to be unable to have a child. It’s something that those of us that can have their own children do not think about. I’m never going to have any more children of my own but I can still donate my eggs to help others to get their much-wanted child. It’s harsh that someone else’s pain may be someone else’s much wished for miracle. It’s hard to understand why these horrible terrorism related things happen. But, we need to remember that some people are extremely evil. They don’t make mistakes by accident. These acts are intentional. We all are created for some kind of purpose (whether we are aware of that or not), but these people should really try to find a more positive purpose. They don’t even have any form of excuse. Our laws etc are the way they have become due to those that do this awful stuff. The rest of us has to suffer because of them.
I’m sorry if this entry doesn’t make sense… I’m very tired and my brain is starting not to work now. I really do need a nap.