Memory…what memory?

I’m actually really frustrated with my memory at the moment. I’m having to write everything down because I’m just not able to remember anything. I have bought a white wipe off board for my fridge (sticks on like a magnet). I’ve written what I have to do in regards to things around the house because I forget. 

Then I start thinking whether I’ve done anything that I forgot about. I may have been losing my memory in bits for ages and not realised. I may have said things that I can’t remember that have gone against me in the case. I can’t remember a lot of the not so pleasant things I’ve said, however, that could be me trying to block out something that I feel extremely guilty about. I know that my brain is seriously malfunctioning right now though. The nightmares that I have are awful. I had one yesterday just before I woke up. I can’t remember the full details but I woke up quite shaky. I know that it was about what was going on though. Then the voices in my head start and scream at me. It’s absolutely horrible. Those voices are telling me to kill myself because I’m evil scum etc. This is all happening (okay maybe not my memory loss, but everything else) because I’m being forced into something that I mentally cannot take. If the charges were dropped tomorrow and I didn’t have to go to court, the voices and nightmares would most likely stop.  

I’m not going to pressure someone to get to know me anymore. I wouldn’t have done if I’d known the truth way back. The selfish part of me will always want the other person as a friend. The other half of me says let them go to keep the peace. I long for peace, so I will gladly let them go. I will always care, but all they’ve done is cause me pain. I told someone I know that is older than me about what I’d been told about the supposed truth behind everything. They didn’t believe that this was the truth. They think that the other person took advantage of my naiveness. That maybe so, but I can’t prove that. I don’t know if they did what they did on purpose because I don’t have a lot to go on. They’ve told me that at any time the other person could have dropped everything but they didn’t so they went out to cause me harm. I’ve had to literally tell those that are local not to go down to the university to confront the other person. I never wanted to fight in the first place. I’ve heard so many conflicting things from different people and supposedly the truth. But, really I don’t know everything. That has confused my brain. I find social things confusing enough. I stuck up for the other person when the students were calling them weird and other not so nice things behind their back. And all this was the thanks that I got. 

I might be naive here but I don’t see why we could never be friends. If someone actually stayed with me, then my OCD traits would most likely not happen. The trigger is when I feel like I’m losing someone. I may have confused love with caring feelings and completely misled the other person, but I severely lack experience in that department. I’m so innocent minded that I don’t even see the lecturer-student divide. And the age gap is something that I don’t care about. I may look younger, but my mind isn’t of a youngster. Okay, I wasn’t mature when I met the other person, but I am now. The fact that I want peace is something that I’d never had previously chosen. That is the difference between being immature and wanting another and being mature and wanting another. Immaturity will cause you to chase to gain your objective. Whereas maturity will cause you to just say screw making any more effort, I’ve shown that I care and if they change their mind at any point in the future (which I’m still hoping one day), then they know where I am. There have been many times that others who are older than me have told me that they used to chase people too. It seems to be a younger age group thing. I never thought that I’d grow out of it but I’ve changed recently. I care more than they will ever know, but they have destroyed me and a lot of aspects of my life with this case. They don’t understand how much. They could drop it, but they’re not doing that so they’re still inflicting harm on me. I don’t see why I should continue to care for someone who knows exactly what they’re doing to me and what having to go back into that court will do to me, the effects it’s having on my mental state at just the thought.