I get a letter today from my solicitor informing me that they’ve now put the case into Crown Court. I cannot face it regardless of which court that they want it heard in. I do not deserve all this. I’m still being punished and I’m doing what they all want (which may I add is harmful to me, it literally makes me ill to stop my OCD). I’m sorry but as no one is listening, I will get to the point where I will end my life this weekend because I am petrified too much to go through proceedings. I do not know what the other two charges are and I most likely don’t deserve them because all this case is based on assumption and inaccurate perception of my disability traits. I have been brutally honest that I cannot face any hearings. It is far too painful for me to even talk about. The whole situation is too painful. I lost someone who meant the world to me and to add insult to injury I get put through all this. And, no one will stick up for me. Even my solicitor has that kind of ignorant attitude, expecting me to be able to do things that I can’t because of my disability. And even when I can do it, they have no idea what hell it causes inside my head. It’s like fighting an inner demon and it’s exhausting, gives me stress headaches.
Whoever devised the contract to set me up (my guess and some evidence points to someone at county hall) had no compassion for anyone that was involved and quite frankly shouldn’t be working with vulnerable adults. Our lives are hard enough without them making things more complicated by contracts. I know that I’ve been set up and the objective is to imprison me. I know things that they don’t want out there and I refuse to stop being ‘open’ about it. The things that go on aren’t right so I don’t think that it is beneficial not discussing these things. They did it to me as a teenager, I suddenly was made to ‘disappear’ after I started revealing information about the targets and how they fulfill them with vulnerable adults (easy targets). I believe that I have been set up every single time, however, I wasn’t previously handed that information back in the day. It was only by chance that I was ‘tipped off’ on this occasion. I only ever wanted a Mother figure. I am not a danger and I cannot control how others take my disability traits the wrong way. This is plainly wrong and everyone involved can see this, but they are determined to punish me because I’m ‘different’ and only because no one understands behavioural problems. They made my problems worse by what they put me through.
They’ve made my behaviour worse by how I’ve been treated. I bet I only got extra charges on my name because I was determined to push the truth out and prove that they’re using me as a target. This is a form of legalised bullying and they pick on us because we are weaker than them, we don’t have the professions or the education that they do. And, most of us are not of the same class or social circle as those that work within the criminal justice system. I could be part of that, but I’ve never been given the opportunity. I can’t get into those circles because of their labels. I wouldn’t be treated this way if others understood my disability. I suffer because they don’t and just label me as an awful person. They refuse to listen to the explanation of how your disability affects you and how difficult it is to stick to certain requirements. I miss the other person involved and right now it looks like the courts are going to keep us apart forever. I know that a lot has happened but that hasn’t just been down to me. The way the system is has caused a lot of this. I am prepared to wait until that person retires so that they don’t get threatened by anyone for being friends with me. But, that is so many years away. I will be in my 40s by then and most likely met a lot more people. However, if the last few years is anything to go by, I haven’t met anyone else that compares to them. The other students thought the person was weird… but to be honest I’m cool with weird and that’s not how I saw them. I didn’t see weird because I understand more than those that were a lot younger than me. I’ve met many people in my life and the worst of them are the average ‘normal’ ones. I know that I’ve acted quite erratically, but at that time I couldn’t help it. I had no malicious intent. I was confused and distressed because I hate those I care about walking away when I really needed someone. I see it as cruel. I’d never do that to anyone, so my standards are quite high in that department. I can’t take it back, but I’ve calmed down a lot due to maturity and illness. I can’t get on my high horse about anything anymore because it makes me ill.
But on a serious note, if this keeps being carried on, I most likely won’t reach 30 (which I am next month) because the stress of being forced into a court hearing I do not want to go through and cannot psychologically face will either kill me or push me to suicide because the anxiety and psychological torture in relation to it is just far too much.