I’m at my wit’s end now.

There is no attempt at listening to me (just like there hasn’t been any attempt all the way through). I’m still being forced to court where they’re going to sentence me to imprisonment. I don’t deserve that! I don’t think people are seeing how absolutely petrified I am. I cannot function in my everyday life because of all this. I also cannot take this continuing to be exactly this way forever. Punishing someone with a disability doesn’t result in them changing. That is legalised cruelty. I’m doing exactly what the other person says they want now (now I know the truth after 2 years). By continuing these proceedings against me, others are just opening up my very deep wounds that I keep hidden about how I feel regarding this situation. Unless you were in my head, you cannot see how distressing it is for me. I didn’t enjoy the last few years. I didn’t go out to do what materialised. I was confused and didn’t want the other person to leave me. I felt that I wasn’t even given a chance because they didn’t get to know me. I wasn’t as mature as I am now when I met the other person. I never could leave a perceived rejection at that point. However, peace is more of a priority for me nowadays. I could take more stress when this first started than I can now. I can’t deal with much stress now because of health problems. 

Neither of us involved really want this to keep going any longer. I can’t speak for the other half of the case, but I’m going by what friends of theirs have said. We’ve unintentionally hurt each other enough. There’s nothing that can heal the damage we’ve caused to one another. The only thing that may potentially heal is time and an end to all the proceedings. I will always hate myself for what has happened. The system wants offenders to feel remorseful. That is exactly how I feel and worse. I will always have a part of me that wants the other person to be friends with me one day. But, the more mature part of me is saying that now is the time to cut everything. The proceedings are the only thing that remains which is keeping the energy around us active. That energy needs to be cut. I know that I sound crazy for those that don’t believe in this sort of stuff. Those energies need to be cut because I still feel things even when I try to block it out. And that is really not good when I still care about the other half of the case. I know that the other person is trying to block stuff too, but believe me, it won’t go away for either of us unless the system drops everything and lets us go our separate ways. This process is only causing harm. I just want to be left alone. I’ll never bother anyone again because my priorities have changed and nowadays I do not even have the energy to do everyday things, let alone bug people to be friends with me. This may be the only control to my OCD. It’s a lot better since I got tired all the time. I want to be alone now because I do not have the energy to do anything, let alone socialise.

I do understand that we have processes in this country that need to be followed. However, there needs to be some form of common sense enacted alongside them. It isn’t appropriate to put so much stress on a disabled person when they got put into this position because no one bothered to tell them the full information at the time. The truth has now come out and the whole situation should have been dealt with better so that it didn’t end up in court. I only said what I said to the other person because of what I was led to believe. That is why I cannot stress enough the importance of effective communication. It avoids all this awful mess and would have stopped me looking like a complete monster. We wouldn’t hate each other and maybe we may have even got on and become friends in time if things had been dealt with less stupidly. I am not the awful person that I have been painted. I could do with friends, rather than hate thrown at me right now. I don’t openly talk about my whole life. There are things going on in the background of my life that I just don’t go into here. These aren’t pleasant for me. 

I’m in dire need for people to just leave me alone if they are unable to be supportive. I’m protecting the other person involved from feeling guilty etc by not putting everything I’m going through on here. It related to what I was saying the other day about being a burden on another. If the other person doesn’t want your issues to be a burden, then it’s unfair of me to put it out there and make those that walked away being made to feel awful. There is a reason why I’m losing my memory and coordination, along with being horrendously tired. That is also the reason that I’ve got various parts of my writing ready to be published within future publications. Those things being out there in the event that I am no longer in existence make me feel comforted that my words will get to live on and hopefully inspire others to fight for changes and be actively involved with tackling the problems within society. And, always live life to the fullest because I never did appreciate it and this will be my biggest regret.