Something has occurred to me…

I slept half of the day because I may have misjudged how I was feeling and unintentionally made myself feel more rough by going the Gym. I looked awful this morning (as illustrated on my latest social network photo). I was kind of hoping that the Gym would help me. I feel better mentally, but physically, I feel terrible. I was asleep for 3 hours this afternoon and never got half the things that I was planning to get done. The cats don’t mind if I fall asleep during the day, I went to sleep with Mimi laying next to me and then woke up and found that Mister had laid down on the end of my bed. 

Anyway, something that has occurred to me which is also a huge barrier to understanding is age. I do not want the older generations to feel that I am in any way insulting them by saying this… I am not. This isn’t my intention. I accidentally insult my own generation all the day because I really don’t feel like my own age group and never have. I always think that it is funny how a lot of the younger generations do not know what certain things are because they didn’t grow up with certain experiences and didn’t learn what came before them. I have more friends that are older than younger or my own age. I’ve learned how their life wasn’t at all like mine and how much society has changed. I wish that this meant that I naturally knew how to communicate with them enough to make them understand society from my generation’s point of view. That is difficult though because our perceptions are not the same. Things that were seen as innocent back in the day are now seen as behaviour that makes you weird, rather than sweet. There was a guy recently that decided that he was prepared to play his piano in a park until the girl he’d broken up with decided to take him back. That was seen as innocent and committed to romance back in the day, now it implies that you’re some kind of weird obsessive stalker. I have the mind of a child and have acted in ways that other people see as weird nowadays. In a way, we are a more open accepting society, but in another way, we still aren’t. We may accept transgender, homosexuality (well the majority of us anyway) but when it comes to the feelings of others and the way they interact with others around them… we are extremely judgmental. For example, A situation that happens between two individuals and both of them discuss it with their friends or associates. Then suddenly the other person involved ends up labeled as the devil. I have just had a conversation on my social networking profile with someone who is a student at the university that did all this to me. I cannot get anyone to see things from my point of view. Everyone assumes I didn’t do my actions innocently. I sent hundreds of emails because the university set my anxiety off due to the way that they treated me. 

For example, A situation that happens between two individuals and both of them discuss it with their friends or associates. Then suddenly the other person involved ends up labeled as the devil. I have just had a conversation on my social networking profile with someone who is a student at the university that did all this to me. I cannot get anyone to see things from my point of view. Everyone assumes I didn’t do my actions innocently. I sent hundreds of emails because the university set my anxiety off due to the way that they treated me. And, I wasn’t consciously aware of a number of emails that I sent. I’m fed up of being demonised and people assuming that I’m an awful person. I wanted a friend and that kicks my OCD off when a friend is forcibly taken away from me. They’ve done this all the way through and never even considered that it’s a trigger. I’m fed up of the assumptions and it’s time people start seeing the truth. I’m a lot more innocent than people are making out. Other people’s perceptions deeply upset me. I was only ever nasty after I was excluded from university. That isn’t me. I may be socially retarded, but I deeply cared for the other person (in a none weird way). No one has a right to judge me. I wasn’t even told half the information until a few years down the line. I hate my behaviour problems. They aren’t a choice and the pain I’ve had to go through losing people I cared about because of it (indefinitely because of the order) hurts me more than anyone who doesn’t have these issues will ever know. I can’t believe that people are so dense that they haven’t noticed that every time they take something away (well someone) my behaviour problems escalate. You don’t use punishment based training for someone who can’t help how they act. That will just push them more into that act because they’re frustrated that they are being effectively punished for life. 

The exclusion from the university was permanent and now so is the restraining order. If I had my behaviour problems on purpose then this would be fair, but that isn’t the case. I just want others to see that I don’t deserve to be punished anymore. I have just been left on my own to fend for myself, no help for my behaviour problem and lost the person I cared about forever! That isn’t right. I was never given a fighting chance of having the therapy there. It’s not like I ignored the therapy. I wasn’t even offered any. I despise being under a forensic label because I see criminal as a person that doesn’t care, will steal off another and not give a second thought about smacking the sh*t out of someone. Being grouped with those people causes me psychological damage because I’m nothing like that. I have worked my ass off to deal with my OCD myself. I’m in constant distress when I’m holding it back in my head. It’s enough to drive me crazy. I am hearing voices because that is what it does to me when I try to hold back those OCD behaviours. Those voices tell me that I’m not good enough and should just end my life because everyone will leave me. I hear screams in my head too. This is what ‘helping myself’ does. I’m constantly anxious. I no longer go out socially. Even going out every day on my own is even getting hard. Things are worse for me than they ever have been. I just long for the help I need. I don’t deserve to go to prison. If others knew the fact that I went to the university counselling services and their mental health team begging for help before my OCD kicked off big time then they wouldn’t be judging me negatively. I was turned away there and for the last two years, I’ve been fobbed off by the GP too. But, yes it’s still my fault and I’m an awful person.