Let’s go a bit deep… (talking about parts of me I keep private).

I think that it is brilliant how people are being so open about aspects of their lives within the media, as I believe that this is the only way to understand one another. It has been frowned on to be so open in society for a very long time. Especially when it comes to mental health and how a person lives their life. I’m sure that the older generation is most likely horrified at how not private some of our generation can be about certain things. If something is bugging me, then I’ll just plainly ‘come out with it’. For example female issues that I go through quite severely. I will just say if I’m extremely uncomfortable or illustrate how bad it is on that day. The same as the times when I will tell someone else exactly how they’ve upset me. There are those people that just wouldn’t want to go there due to not wanting to end up in an argument etc. It’s also important not to let others get away with things that upset you either, which is why I will confront people (maybe in writing, but still I can do it). 

The lies that have been told about me I cannot prove. And because others do not know me very well… they will make their own minds up from the lies that they have been told. I don’t want any more information forwarded to anyone about me. I want to go quite deep here (which I haven’t done previously) to expose the real me. I need others to question the lies that have perhaps been forwarded about me to others. I never had the love from my Mother. She wasn’t able to be emotionally attached. I was never encouraged as a child. I was closer to my Father, but a girl needs a female role model in her life. I also ended up more of a carer to my Father than a daughter because of his long term disability. That meant that I was practically starved of love that most children receive. I had older parents (my Dad was actually 40 when I was born)… so I always felt out of it. There were other unpleasant things that happened in my childhood which I do not wish to go into here.

It’s not just my Asperger Syndrome that has resulted in me being labeled negatively. I always held my hands out to teachers at school etc to get the love that I never got at home. I still do that today. There was no malice in any of it. The system has completely twisted it and made me into something that I’m not in reality. Unlike a lot of people in this society, I love unconditionally. I grew up with disability etc and it can be extremely trying and quite upsetting when others are progressively suffering. I believe that if you care about someone, then somehow you’ll find a way to deal with it. The distressing times are something you have to consider before entering into supporting another. But, like in my Dad’s case, the focus on the positive times when things are okay is a way to get through everything. The times when there were smiles instead of tears and suffering. It’s quite difficult when it gets to the point that it is obvious the person isn’t ever going to get better. It wasn’t pleasant over the last couple of years of my Dad’s life. But, it made me the kind of person who would never see caring for another as a burden.

Then there is the flip side to that when you realise that everyone sees my disability as a burden, which means, I’m just a burden, that equals a negative connotation. I have to cope on my own. That seems highly unfair after spending the earlier part of my life acting as a carer for my Dad. I know that there is a lot of misconceptions about mentally related illnesses. The connotation that behaviour problems can be helped etc, doesn’t help any of us that have an illness which affects our behaviour. If we had proper care plans and things were done appropriately for our specific needs. I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now or been driven to the point of suicide if that had happened.